Have you ever been alone but were not lonely and didn’t feel lonesome? I truly have never felt lonely or lonesome even though I spend a lot of time alone. I enjoy being alone and enjoy my own company. No, I’m not a misanthrope and not anti-social. I identify as an extraverted introvert. Still, many people I know think I’m an enigma because they say they have rarely been alone without also feeling lonely or lonesome. What are the differences between ‘alone’, ‘lonely,’ ’lonesome,’ and ‘loneliness’?
According to the Cambridge Grammar Dictionary, “‘Alone’ is an adjective and an adverb meaning that no other person is with you. When we use alone as an adjective, it never comes before the noun (predicative adjective): She was alone when she heard the sad news. (adjective)…’Lonely’ means that no other person is with you and that you are sad and unhappy as a result. We may choose to be alone but generally we do not choose to be lonely:
Without her friends, it was a long and lonely journey” (https://dictionary.cambridge.org/grammar/british-grammar/alone-lonely-or-lonesome). Grammarist suggests these differences: “A lonely person desires companionship. A lonesome person is lonely in a profound, long-lasting, philosophical, or especially forlorn way. The difference can be subtle where there is one, though, and there is obviously much common ground between the words. Lonely, the older of the two, is safer in serious or formal writing” (https://grammarist.com/usage/lonely-lonesome/). According to the Oxford English Dictionary, ‘loneliness’ is, “…noun…sadness because one has no friends or company: as in having feelings of depression and loneliness; the fact of being without companions:as in the loneliness of a sailor’s life” (www.oed.com).
Gretchen Rubin, the author of The Happiness Project, shares, “One major challenge within happiness is loneliness. The more I’ve learned about happiness, the more I’ve come to believe that loneliness is a common and important obstacle to consider. To be happy, we need intimate bonds; we need to be able to confide, we need to feel like we belong, we need to be able to get and give support. In fact, strong relationships are key — perhaps the key — to a happy life.
Of course, being alone and being lonely aren’t the same. Loneliness feels draining, distracting, and upsetting; desired solitude feels peaceful, creative, restorative.
It seems to me that there are several types of loneliness. Of course, not everyone experiences loneliness in the situations described — for instance, not everyone wants a romantic partner. But for some people, the lack of certain kinds of relationships brings loneliness.
Once we’ve pinpointed the particular kind of loneliness we’re experiencing, it may be easier to spot ways to address it.
Here are some types I’ve identified. What have I overlooked?
[Here are] 7 Types of Loneliness
New-situation loneliness. You’ve moved to a new city where you don’t know anyone, or you’ve started a new job, or you’ve started at a school full of unfamiliar faces. You’re lonely.
I’m-different loneliness. You’re in a place that’s not unfamiliar, but you feel different from other people in an important way that makes you feel isolated.
No-sweetheart loneliness. Even if you have lots of family and friends, you feel lonely because you don’t have the intimate attachment of a romantic partner. Or maybe you have a partner, but you don’t feel a deep connection to that person.
No-animal loneliness. Many people have a deep need to connect with animals. If this describes you, you’re sustained by these relationships in a way that human relationships don’t replace. While I love my dog Barnaby, I don’t feel this myself — but many people feel like something important is missing if they don’t have a dog or cat (or less conveniently, a horse) in their lives.
No-time-for-me loneliness. Sometimes you’re surrounded by people who seem friendly enough, but they don’t want to make the jump from friendly to friends. Maybe they’re too busy with their own lives, or they have lots of friends already, so while you’d like a deeper connection, they don’t seem interested. Or maybe your existing friends have entered a new phase that means they no longer have time for the things you all used to do — everyone has started working very long hours or has started a family, so your social scene has changed.
Untrustworthy-friends loneliness. Sometimes, you get in a situation where you begin to doubt whether your friends are truly well-intentioned, kind, and helpful. You’re ‘friends’ with people but don’t quite trust them. An important element of friendship is the ability to confide and trust, so if that’s missing, you may feel lonely, even if you have fun with your friends.
Quiet-presence loneliness. Sometimes, you may feel lonely because you miss having someone else’s quiet presence. You may have an active social circle at work, or have plenty of friends and family, but you miss having someone to hang out with at home — whether that would mean living with a roommate, a family member, or a sweetheart. Just someone who’s fixing a cup of coffee in the next room, or reading on the sofa.
Loneliness is a major factor in unhappiness, so it’s an important area to tackle if you’re working on making yourself happier.
One of the keys — maybe the key — to happiness is strong connections to other people. The lack of these bonds, even temporarily, is a major happiness stumbling block. Have you found any good ways to understand and deal with loneliness?
I highly recommend two books: Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection, by John Cacioppo and William Patrick, and Lonely, by Emily White, a memoir about her own experiences and research into loneliness”(https://www.psychologytoday.com).
While I agree with some of the research about the key to happiness is related to having strong relationships, I know there are some of us who are happy even while not being connected to others. What causes loneliness to set in for you? What other types of loneliness can you identify? Do you enjoy being alone? What do you do to get out of a ‘lonely’ funk? Please share your stories, thoughts, insights, and suggestions by either commenting below this post if you are reading this on social media, or, if you are reading this through your email subscription, please share, by emailing me, at reimaginelife22@gmail.com.
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