Don't be a 'Karen'!

(Photo credit: https://www.insider.com/karen-meme-origin-the-history-of-calling-women-karen-white-2020

For everyone named ‘Karen,’ I feel compassion for you because your name has been hijacked by the culture who has turned your beautiful name into a pejorative term. By the way, I feel similarly for Beckys and Stacys and Bubbas, but, that is topic for another blog. I have a cousin named Karen who is a sweet, caring, gentle, loving person; her name may be Karen, but, she is not a ‘Karen.’ And, I have a friend and former office mate named Karen. She’s a thoughtful person who is far from being a ‘Karen.’

The timing of this blog post’s release is on purpose because people seem to go crazy during the holiday season and may be tempted to go all-out ‘Karen’ on weary, stressed store employees, restaurant servers, and package mailing store workers. You truly don’t want this moniker attached to you. Be a non-‘Karen’ or a recovered ‘Karen’ for your well being and for the well being of others.

So, in case you’ve been living on Neptune, here’s how a ‘Karen,’ in the urban vernacular is characterized: “Karens are angry privileged middle-aged white women who ask to speak to a manager. They thrive on displays of public annoyance and come in all shapes and sizes” (https://medium.com/duffys-tavern/how-to-stop-being-a-karen-2744cefb4d17). While this seems to be the prevailing definition of a ‘Karen,’ I amend it with the following: ‘Karens’ can come in all colors / races/ ethnicities, genders / non-binary, and from all places around the world.

What are specific stereotypical characteristics are often attributed to ‘Karens’?

• may also be called ‘Carol’ or ‘Janet’

• usually a white woman between 40-60, although this is not always the case - anyone could be called a ‘Karen’ who behaves in a privileged, judgmental, and angry manner

• Baby Boomer or Gen-X generations

• bi-level bob hairdo

• demanding to ‘speak to the manager’ over every little thing

• not minding own business

• entitled and demanding beyond what is considered appropriate or normal for the situation

• know-it-all

• could be a racist

• elitist, yet can be of middle class

• complaining a lot

• displaying an inappropriate and exaggerated level of anger

The term has been called racist, sexist, ageist, classist, and anti-woman by some. Hadley Freeman, columnist and features writer for The Guardian, “…argues that use of the meme has become less about describing behavior than controlling it and ‘telling women to shut up’” (https://www.theguardian.com/fashion/2020/apr/13/the-karen-meme-is-everywhere-and-it-has-become-mired-in-sexism). Jennifer Weiner, “…writing in The New York Times during the COVID-19 pandemic, said the meme had succeeded in silencing her, saying she had had to balance her desire to complain about a nearby man coughing into the open air, hawking and spitting on the sidewalk, with her fear of being called a Karen” (https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/14/opinion/coronavirus-shaming.html). In August 2020, Helen Lewis wrote in The Atlantic, ‘Karen has become synonymous with woman among those who consider woman an insult. There is now a market, measured in attention and approbation, for anyone who can sniff out a Karen’ (https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2020/08/karen-meme-coronavirus/615355/) Lewis also noted what she called the ‘finger trap’ of the term, saying ‘What is more Karen than complaining about being called 'Karen'? There is a strong incentive to be cool about other women being Karened, lest you be Karened yourself’” (qtd. in https://www.theatlantic.com).

On May 25, 2020, in New York City’s Central Park, Amy Cooper, a white woman who was with her off-leash dog, had an encounter with a black man, Christian Cooper - no relation to Amy Cooper -, who was simply birdwatching. The signs clearly state that dogs must be leashed. Mr. Cooper asked Ms. Cooper to leash her dog. It escalated and was recorded by Mr. Cooper. If you’ve seen the video, it’s clear Ms. Cooper was behaving inappropriately. The police were called. Later, “Christian Cooper's sister posted the video on her Twitter account, while Christian posted the video to his own Facebook page. The Twitter video alone received over 40 million views” (https://www.nytimes.com/2020/05/30/nyregion/central-park-video.html). Amy Cooper's actions in the video were widely criticized. She was accused of falsely presenting herself as being in immediate physical danger, in the context of the "tendency for people and police to treat Black people with suspicion”(qtd. in https://www.vox.com/2020/5/26/21270699/amy-cooper-franklin-templeton-christian-central-park)

In this example of a ‘Karen’ action, Ms. Cooper was fired by her employer: “In a statement the company said that ‘we have made the decision to terminate the employee involved, effective immediately. We do not tolerate racism of any kind at Franklin Templeton’”(https://www.npr.org/2022/09/23/1124657916/amy-cooper-central-park-job).

I sometimes wonder how many of the ‘Karen’ examples on social media at faked. Still, one of the conundrums with over-stereotyping calling someone a ‘Karen’ is that there are valid reasons to ask to see a manager for resolution of problems; simply asking to see the manager does not make one a ‘Karen.’ According to one Reddit contributor, “For me the difference is that being a Karen is behaving with outrage and entitlement. Whereas standing up for yourself can be done in a cool and calm way, without unnecessary escalation and drama” (qtd. in https://www.reddit.com/r/unpopularopinion/comments/rl33fw/sometimes_you_have_to_be_a_karen_to_avoid_being_a/?rdt=44127). And, another contributor agrees: “…yeah, the line between being assertive and being an asshole seems to be pretty blurred, unfortunately” (qtd. in https://www.reddit.com).

Disturbing aspects of this trend of calling out ‘Karens’ are that is can be viewed as a racist slur against white women; it may be anti-women, and may be agist. And, we don’t see men who behave in an entitled manner being called a ‘Karen.’ Perhaps, it would be better if we called out the specific inappropriate behavior - white entitlement, unchecked privilege, judging others publicly, not minding our own business, run-away anger, and being a racist - by the name of the misbehavior rather than the using the term, ‘Karen.’

If you are or have been a ‘Karen,’ here are some ways to stop the behavior. Samantha Turnbull of ABC Everyday suggests these tips:

“* Ask yourself: Is it worth the fuss?

The barista gave you a full cream milk instead of skinny. The checkout operator forgot to ask if you wanted a receipt. The chardonnay in the bottle shop isn't 5 per cent off as advertised.

Before you launch into a tirade or demand to speak to the manager, ask yourself: ‘Is it worth the fuss?’ Most of the time, it won't be.

* Vent your anger elsewhere

I get it. Your kids slept in and wouldn't eat breakfast, they told you five minutes before school drop-off that they had to dress up as a pirate and take some gluten-free cookies into class for Oscar's birthday, and they missed the bus again. Gah!

Don't take that stress out on the receptionist at your next appointment. And definitely don't turn to Facebook to rant in bold white lettering on a neon purple background. Go do a boxing class. Crank some music and go for a long drive (I recommend Shania, but you do you). Cry it out. Write in a journal. Kick a filing cabinet.

* Let someone else take charge

Do you really need another responsibility? Is running the school canteen and the P&C and the band committee really going to fill your cup? Are you trying to people-please at the expense of your sanity? Step back and let someone else claim the title of 'head of all the things’.

* Have empathy

Don't be a bigot. Acknowledge your privilege. Be patient. Seek out the stories and experiences of those who are different. Listen. Suspend your judgement and criticism” (https://www.abc.net.au/everyday/how-not-to-be-a-karen/11806882).

Kendra Stanton Lee writes about ways she has learned to speak to a manager without being a ‘Karen.’ :

“ * Don’t reserve tete-a-tetes for complaints

Whenever we receive exceptional service, particularly when we are with our children, I ask to speak with a manager so that I can convey my highest compliments. I have seen the anguish wash over an employee’s face, though, when they perceive that a Karen wants to file a grievance. So I usually say, ‘I’d love to share with your manager about our wonderful experience today. Are they available?’

* Have beef? Give it a day.

[Take a breath. Give it a day to think through and to logically put together your concerns for management.] Taking the old school approach to speaking with the manager require[s] listening, as well [as laying out your side of the concerns.] That seems to be a major oversight of Karens. They want to do all the talking.

* Let it go

I’m not an apologist for Karens, but I do wonder if they’ve all taken to heart Homeland Security’s edict of 'See something, say something’ that pervades our post-9/11 culture. So many Karens seem emboldened by a charge to confront everything that seems a little off or off-putting. I wonder why the Karens who go viral, including Barbecue Becky and Kroger Karen, seem incapable of not engaging. They appear to have no ability to take a deep breath, assess a situation rightly, and to ascertain what role is appropriate for them to play in the situation as a private citizen. We never know how someone will react; the only thing we can control is our own behavior. Karens gain notorious steam when they spin out of control” (https://www.independent.co.uk/voices/karen-meaning-speak-to-the-manager-mask-racist-rant-a9621076.html).

The bottom line is, how do you want to be remembered? As an angry, entitled, know-it-all, judging, obtuse, obstinate stereotype? Or, as a kind person who listens attentively, who waits to respond, who gathers the facts before acting, who is sensitive to the points of view of other, and who shows respect to others. I would love to see the day when being called a ‘Karen’ and people behaving like a ‘Karen’ are things of the past.

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