Recently, I wrote about learning to yield when something doesn’t go our way. Yielding starts inside us first and then migrates outside of us, if we approach it in a healthy manner. Once we’ve yielded, we can work through the despair that comes with not getting what we wanted. In addition, yielding helps us step out of denial and accept the fact that someone or something is too destructive to engage in any normal relationship. Lao Tzu, writer/philosopher from between the 6th-4th century BCE, shares the following from his brilliant, Tao Te Ching: “When two great forces collide, the victory goes to the one who knows how to yield” (https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/8806457-when-two-great-forces-oppose-each-other-the-victory-will). Interestingly, physics supports this observation because, “Newton's third law of motion is naturally applied to collisions between two objects. In a collision between two objects, both objects experience forces that are equal in magnitude and opposite in direction. Such forces often cause one object to speed up (gain momentum) and the other object to slow down (lose momentum)…[This and Lao Tzu’s observation] suggests that in a conflict or confrontation between powerful entities, the side that is willing to be flexible, adapt, and compromise is more likely to come out successful [in the long run]” (qtd. in https://www.physicsclassroom.com).
Yielding also means diving into the deep end: grieving whatever the loss is, acknowledging what is - reality, continuing to hold on to truth - your truth, and allowing illusions to wash away. After we arrive at a place of peace, we can then address the wrongs and insanity that appear, at first, to have ‘won.’ Action follows, but, the first step is to yield to reality. Is yielding the same as detachment?
‘Detachment,’ according to the Oxford English Dictionary, means, “…the state of not being involved in something in an emotional or personal way, the state of not being influenced by other people or by your own feelings, the act of detaching something; the process of being detached from something” (https://www.oed.com). While ‘yielding’ and ‘detachment’ appear to be similar, they are not the same. [If you want to explore ‘yielding’, please see my blog post: https://www.reimaginelifecoach.com/post/learning-to-yield ] What, then, is healthy detachment?
Dr. Barton Goldsmith writes, “Detachment can best be described as a process of letting go. It allows you to release difficult situations and, sometimes, difficult people. By detaching from past experiences and future expectations, you can look at your relationships [and situations], both personal and professional, more objectively, which gives you greater clarity.
Holding on to an idea just because you have become attached to it creates anxiety. Once you detach from the desired outcome, you can stop worrying about it. The truth is that most attachment is about control, and control is an illusion. So it’s better to get on with your life, even when you don’t get exactly what you want.
Detaching is not always easy. [We] must learn that even when things go differently from how [we] think they should, it’s okay. If [we] are in pain over a difference of opinion, it helps to understand why [we] want what [we] want in the first place. If [our] motivation is one of selfishness rather than one of balance, [we] may need to take another look at the situation. [The opposite appears to be true too: if our intention is to balance the needs of the many with the needs of the few, we may need to take a deeper look at the situation.]” (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-fitness/201811/how-to-best-use-detachment). In this explanation, ‘detachment’ and ‘yielding’ are not the same. For example, I accept that the candidate I voted for did not win an election; I yield to that reality. I am not, however, detached from the outcome, even though I yield. I accept what is while still not being happy about the result. That temporary disappointment will give way to focused action…and not a chaotic type of response, like the one seen on 1/6/21 in Washington DC. Yielding can champion beneficial action. Healthy detachment can create necessary boundaries. And moves us to act for the good of everyone.
Continuing, Dr. Goldsmith relates, “In a relationship, win-lose is the same as lose-lose.
You do not detach by getting angry or casting blame. Detachment is the absence of prejudice or bias. When a discussion gets heated and you notice yourself trying to take control, it’s best to take a break and do something else for a while. Exercise, play, putter around the house, or just veg-out in front of the tube.
Detachment is not about moving out of the driver’s seat and into the passenger seat. It’s about becoming a better observer of yourself and those around you…questioning what’s the best thing for everyone concerned” (https://www.psychologytoday.com).
Other experts suggest, “At its core, healthy detachment... is…[like] emotional aikido – redirecting intense feelings without suppressing or denying them.
This concept is not about becoming cold or indifferent. Far from it! It’s about cultivating a mindset that allows you to care deeply without losing yourself in the process. It’s a delicate dance between empathy and self-preservation, a skill that can transform your mental health and relationships.
But here’s the rub: healthy detachment is often misunderstood. Some folks mistake it for aloofness or a lack of caring. Others confuse it with unhealthy detachment, which can lead to emotional numbness or avoidance. The key difference lies in intention and outcome. Healthy detachment empowers you to engage more fully with life, while unhealthy detachment often stems from fear and leads to isolation” (https://neurolaunch.com/healthy-detachment-psychology). This also points out that ‘yielding’ is not the same as ‘detachment.’ While healthy detachment may be a by-product of yielding, it may not.
Canadian psychotherapist, life coach, and author, Lise Leblanc, explores healthy detachment in relationships in the following video that is worth watching: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RYsktDxCx_I.
In your opinion and from your experiences, how are ‘yielding’ and ‘healthy detachment’ related or not related? Please share your examples, thoughts, insights, and suggestions by either commenting below this post if you are reading this on social media, or, if you are reading this through your email subscription, please share, by emailing me, at reimaginelife22@gmail.com.
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