“It's just your jive talkin', you're telling me lies, yeah
Jive talkin', you wear a disguise
Jive talkin', so misunderstood, yeah
Jive talkin', you're really no good” (https://genius.com/Bee-gees-jive-talkin-lyrics). [To listen to the Bee Gees sing this, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oALKAh_bL5g ]
Author, social researcher, and professor Dr. Brene’ Brown shares three pieces of integrity: “1. Choosing courage over comfort, 2. Choosing what’s right over what’s fun, fast, or easy, 3. Practicing your values, not just professing your values” (https://brenebrown.com/art/dare-to-lead-integrity-is-choosing-courage-over-comfort/). Last week’s blog topic featured the definition and nature of ‘integrity.’ This week, we’ll continue to discuss integrity looking at types of lies we tell ourselves and others.
Ray Nash, former police officer and sheriff, lists several types of lies: “…lies of fabrication, compulsive lying, lies of omission, exaggeration, plagiarism, intentional, lies emanating from narcissistic personality, white lies, careless lies, bold-faced lies, duplicitous lies, lies to avoid being caught, lies of distortion, evasion, embellishment, lies of the double, triple, quadruple negative …” (https://www.justiceclearinghouse.com/resource/the-ten-types-of-lies-the-inductive-interview-system/).
Dr. Mark Travers, psychologist, identifies 6 types of lies: "Whether it is a white lie, gray lie, real lie, or a small, inconsequential lie, everyone indulges in some form of lying across their lifetime. Its ubiquity seems unaffected by its moral disapproval and potential to harm one’s reputation and relationships. Although the direct consequences of a lie are usually minimal when it goes undetected and unpunished, there may still be a psychological cost associated with it. A delicate balance exists between honesty and deception that involves a careful consideration of the advantages to be gained that cannot be achieved by truthful means. People are often tempted to lie when the potential benefits outweigh the potential costs.
1. Self-oriented beneficial lies. These lies are told to obtain positive outcomes for oneself. For example, claiming that a sum of money found is one’s own.
2. Self-oriented protective lies. These lies are directed at avoiding a negative outcome or loss for oneself. For example, falsely denying hitting another car while parking.
3. Other-oriented beneficial lies. These lies are aimed at securing positive outcomes or achieving gains for others. For example, lying to a supervisor to support a co-worker’s claim of illness.
4. Other-oriented protective lies. These lies are spoken to protect others from loss or negative outcomes. For example, falsely telling one’s parents that one is doing well to prevent them from worrying.
5. Pareto [originally - the Pareto's law concerns the distribution of income] beneficial lies. These lies are told to benefit the liar as well as another person. For example, falsifying the results in one's group project to get a better grade.
6. Pareto protective lies. These lies are spoken to prevent loss to oneself and another person. For example, a team manager telling superiors at work that they could not meet an important deadline due to technical issues, rather than blaming their team for not completing the task or taking personal accountability.
Irrespective of why people choose to lie, psychological burden of being deceptive weighs heavy on the conscience. Even if the lie goes undetected, the process of lying itself can be an inherently stressful activity” (https://www.forbes.com/sites/traversmark/2024/01/31/a-psychologist-explores-6-types-of-lies-and-how-they-affect-us/).
In her book, The Way of Integrity, Finding the Path to Your True Self, Dr. Martha Beck highlights and discusses 3 kinds of lies: “ Black lies: Deliberate, premeditated deception; White lies: the social contract that leads to social fibs; and Gray lies: as the fudge factor…There are two questions that will help you differentiate between a white lie and a gray one. First, could you be blackmailed by someone’s heartening to tell the truth you’re hiding? If so, that lie ain’t white; it’s gray. Second, are you following the Golden Rule (‘Do unto others as you would have them do to you’)?” (154-156).
By the way, another source identifies ‘blue’ lies in addition to black, white, gray. See https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-nature-of-deception/202301/what-are-blue-lies-and-why-do-people-tell-them . And another explains ‘red’ lies. See http://changingminds.org/explanations/behaviors/lying/four_lies.htm .
What are examples of black lies? These appear to be the more insidious of lies because the intent is clearly to deceive. Example one - a car sales person tell a prospective buyer that a car is perfect, in mint-condition even though they know the new car was affected by recent floods. Example two - A woman asked the man she’s just met at the American Airlines lounge as they wait for their flights if he is married. The man says, “Oh no, I’m single; may I see you again sometime?” The man has been married for 12 years and has 4 children. In a job interview, when the candidate is asked their highest level of education, they reply, “post-doctoral.” The candidate has earned up to a master’s degree. The detective asks a person of interest if they know what happened to their roommate who has been missing for 2 weeks. The person of interest says, “No. She went to work and never came back.” But, they are lying because they killed the roommate and shoved her body into a garbage dumpster in the next state.
What are examples of white lies? Open this link to see “60 White Lies We Tell Every Day”: https://bestlifeonline.com/white-lies/ .
What is an example of a gray lie? “‘I went to a marriage counselor with Ed last week,’ said…Cindy. ‘And I was radically honest. I talked about how emotionally distant Ed is, how we don’t share any interests, how I’ve lost my attraction to him. I put everything right out there.’ ‘That’s great!’ I said. ‘So you told him you’re having an affair?’ Cindy looked shocked. ‘What? That’s none of his business!’ she said. ‘Besides, it would only hurt Ed if he knew. I may not be perfect, but I’m certainly moral enough to spare him that’” (156 The Way of Integrity).
Thinking about lies and how they negate integrity is cringe-worthy for us because we know we’ve told lies, maybe even before our first cup of coffee this morning. Still, if all we have left at the end of the day, at the end of our lives is integrity, lies of any kind / type have no place. I acknowledge it is difficult to embrace integrity, to be intact / not duplicitous, not to lie AT ALL. Still, integrity is the one of a handful of traits we possess in the end.
Next week’s blog post will discuss why lying is so dangerous and why integrity is so valuable. In the meantime, please share your thoughts, insights, and suggestions by either commenting below this post if you are reading this on social media, or, if you are reading this through your email subscription, please share, by emailing me, at reimaginelife22@gmail.com. This is the second in a series of blog posts on ‘integrity.’ Please consider buying Martha Beck’s book, The Way of Integrity, Finding the Path to Your True Self; it is well written, well researched, full of beneficial exercises, and personal stories about becoming a person of integrity.
Thank you for reading and participating in this blog essay; I invite you to subscribe to my blog at www.reimaginelifecoach.com.
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