In the End, Integrity is all we Have Left - Part IV

“Why can't you just tell me the truth?

Hard to believe the things you say

Why can't you feel the tears I cry today?

How do you win if we all lose?

You change the facts to justify

Your lips move but your words get in the way

Don't lie to me, don't lie to me, you lie to me

Don't lie to me, don't lie to me, you lie to me” (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HMF9miaRCSI)

Lying has consequences and not lying has consequences; in Part III of the Integrity series, we considered the dangers and results of being out of integrity.  In Part IV, we acknowledge the consequences of being in integrity while we also explore steps to return to, maintain, commit to a life of integrity.  The beloved poet, Robert Frost, writes of suffering, and being out of integrity leads to suffering: “The only way out is through.”  The only way out of lying is through integrity.

Here are some steps to moving from out of integrity into integrity.  Some come from Martha Beck’s book, The Way to Integrity…Finding the Path to Your True Self.  When I quote from this book, I will put the page number(s) in parenthetical citation.

Step 1 “Abandoning denial” (68): “Denial is a survival mechanism that keep us from dying of shock by blocking our perception of things that are too frightening to face…usually denial is involuntary.  We can experience something, right out n clear daylight, and honestly not be conscious that it exists…most of our minds have sensitive areas, like inflamed wounds that can’t tolerate even the gentlest touch.  I call these Do Not Mention Zone.  Any topic related to these areas feels alarming.  For example, we may avoid discussions about cancer, Alzheimer’s” (68 & 71).

We cannot fully embrace, commit to, demonstrate integrity if we are denying the truth.  We have to come clean by letting go of denial when we are not in integrity.

As Dr. Beck suggests, we must “kill [our] cowardice” (77).  It’s challenging to break the habit of lying and there may be a fear of changing.  Still, in order to maintain integrity, we cannot be cowards.

Step 2 Call out “the lies we believe” (89): “…even thoughts you absolutely believe, may not always be true” (89)  “ Our worst psychological suffering comes from thoughts that we genuinely believe, while simultaneously knowing they aren’t true.  This may sound ridiculous…We do it because we’ve been taught to do it…Believing things that aren’t true for us at the deepest level is the commonest way in which we lose our integrity” (91-92).

Beck suggests several techniques to help us identify and acknowledge the lies our thoughts accept a true.  One is to “shatter assumptions” (119). “Many of us get trapped…by thoughts like ‘ I must always be nice.’ or ‘I shouldn’t complain.’  The more your culture emphasizes such thoughts, the more likely you are to assume they’re true…Happily, the same tool that forges our chains — the mind — can be used to break them.  Once you’ve observed the beliefs that caused your self-sabotage, the next step is to question them” (119-120).

Another technique discussed is from writer / spiritual teacher, Byron Katie.  “Katie encourages us to locate beliefs that cause suffering, then break their hold on us using a method she calls ‘Inquiry’ [or ‘The Work’] “ To learn about Katie’s technique, open this link: https://thework.com/2017/10/four-liberating-questions/  .

A third method to stop believing the lies we tell ourselves is called  “Walk Back the Cat.”  “The phrase, ‘walk back the car’ comes from the world of espionage. Intelligence specialists use this technique to analyze what went wrong in everything from a bungled undercover operation to a failed coup.  To do it, you reconstructs an event chronologically moving backward, starting with the most recent even and moving further and further into the past” (113-114).  This technique is described and she includes a handy exercise on pages 114-119 in Beck’s book .

Step 3 Define or recall your personal values: People cannot be in integrity if their personal values don’t include integrity.  If you stray from your personal value to maintain integrity, it’s time to recall and recommit to it.  If you have not defined your values to include integrity, it’s time if you want to stay in integrity.

If you want to learn more about defining your values, I encourage you to read my blog post on values and go through the worksheets provided: https://www.reimaginelifecoach.com/post/what-are-your-values .

Step 4 “Changing habits, handling pushback” (197), and accepting consequences of truth-telling: When we pledge to ourselves that we are going to live in integrity, we are changing our habit patterns.  Several results occur: we replace our habits of being out of integrity with those that support our being in integrity; others close to us may not trust the changes or push on us to change back to the way we were so that our integrity doesn’t shine a light highlighting their being out of integrity; and we must accept that choosing to live in integrity, we may no longer fit in with our old crowd and we can no longer escape / hide behind lies to get us through.

The truth sets us free and it has consequences.  Changing a habit, shifting mindset, living with integrity at all times are not easy!  “Psychologists who study change tell us that, paradoxically, positive transformation happens more quickly when we do it in small steps rather that heroic leaps. Every day you make thousands of tiny decisions about what to do with your time.  Every single choice is a chance to turn toward the life you want.  Repeatedly putting a little less time into what you don’t love, and a little more into what you do love, is your next step on the way of integrity…  If you change course by one degree,…you’ll never notice a drastic change, but you’ll end up in a completely different place than if you maintained your initial trajectory” (225-226).  This technique is easier because it involves just “one-degree turns” (226).

Step 5 When we slip up and go out of integrity, go back to Step 1 and work through the steps to get back to integrity: Yep, we all mess up, let out a little ‘white lie,’ don’t recognize a lie we believe and also know isn’t true, involuntarily tell a falsehood. So, we shake it off, apologize and change/clarify the narrative , and do the one-degree turns to get back into integrity.

Of course, ’integrity’ isn’t just about not lying; it’s also about “Acting ethically and transparently in all…dealings, prioritizing doing the right thing over personal gain. It means being accountable and following through with decisions made, even if no one is around to see it” (https://www.achievers.com/blog/company-core-value-examples/).  Cheating on a significant other is being out of integrity.  Shrewd business dealings that cheat others is being out of integrity. At the end of the day and at the end of our lives, the only thing we have left is our integrity.

What  do you think and do to maintain or come back to integrity?  Please share your thoughts, insights, and suggestions by either commenting below this post if you are reading this on social media, or, if you are reading this through your email subscription, please share, by emailing me, at reimaginelife22@gmail.com. This is the fourth and final in a series of blog posts on ‘integrity.’  Please consider buying Martha Beck’s book, The Way of Integrity, Finding the Path to Your True Self; it is well written, well researched, full of beneficial exercises, and personal stories about becoming a person of integrity.  Also, I recommend Byron Katie’s book, Loving What Is, in which you can learn to do “The Work” of getting to the root of something and keep integrity.

Thank you for reading and participating in this blog essay; I invite you to subscribe to my blog at www.reimaginelifecoach.com.