In the End, Intergrity is All We Have - Part III

“You can't hide your lyin' eyes

And your smile is a thin disguise

I thought by now you'd realize

There ain't no way to hide your lyin' eyes” (Open this link to hear The Eagles sing this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PqccEpqvwPY).

Falsus in uno, falsus in omnibus. This Latin phrase and legal term means, “…false in one thing, false in everything. It in fact is a legal principle in common law that a witness who testifies falsely about one matter is not at all credible to testify about any other matter” (https://www.ijlmh.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/03/The-Doctrine-of-FALSUS-IN-UNO-FALSUS-IN-OMNIBUS-Its-Applicability).

Dr. Dany Baby, medical advisor/writer/human and animal activist, explains, “Someone who lies a lot may be called a ‘pathological liar.’ Dishonesty isn't a good habit, but it doesn't always fit the definition of pathological lying. ‌ Pathological liars are frequently untruthful for no good reason. They harm themselves with their behavior, but keep doing it despite any consequences‌” (https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-to-know-pathological-liars).  While the terms ‘narcissist’ and ‘pathological liar’ are often paired, Dr. Baby clarifies, "This behavior [lying] can be part of a personality disorder such as antisocial, narcissistic, and histrionic. Other conditions, such as borderline personality disorder, may also lead to frequent lies, but these aren't considered pathological. Also, some people simply lie pathologically but have no other conditions.”

Perhaps to make it clear, here is what a true narcissist is according to the Mayo Clinic: “Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition in which people have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance. They need and seek too much attention and want people to admire them. People with this disorder may lack the ability to understand or care about the feelings of others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence, they are not sure of their self-worth and are easily upset by the slightest criticism.

A narcissistic personality disorder causes problems in many areas of life, such as relationships, work, school or financial matters. People with narcissistic personality disorder may be generally unhappy and disappointed when they're not given the special favors or admiration that they believe they deserve. They may find their relationships troubled and unfulfilling, and other people may not enjoy being around them.

Narcissistic personality disorder affects more males than females, and it often begins in the teens or early adulthood. Some children may show traits of narcissism, but this is often typical for their age and doesn't mean they'll go on to develop narcissistic personality disorder.

Symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder and how severe they are can vary. People with the disorder can:

* Have an unreasonably high sense of self-importance and require constant, excessive admiration.

* Feel that they deserve privileges and special treatment.

* Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements.

* Make achievements and talents seem bigger than they are.

* Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate.

* Believe they are superior to others and can only spend time with or be understood by equally special people.

* Be critical of and look down on people they feel are not important.

* Expect special favors and expect other people to do what they want without questioning them.

* Take advantage of others to get what they want.

* Have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others.

* Be envious of others and believe others envy them.

* Behave in an arrogant way, brag a lot and come across as conceited.

*Insist on having the best of everything — for instance, the best car or office” (https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20366662).

So, narcissists may lie and lie often to keep up their delusions.  Can you picture someone who behaves this way?  Here’s an interesting article addressing if narcissists believe their own lies: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/peaceful-parenting/201906/does-narcissist-believe-his-or-her-own-lies#:~:text=Yes%2C%20a%20narcissist%20is%20aware,of%20compromised%20insight%20and%20introspection.

How does lying damage others and ourselves?  Dr. Bill Sullivan shares, “We tell lies all the time. A 2002 study performed by psychologist Robert Feldman at the University of Massachusetts found that 60 percent of people lied at least once during a 10-minute conversation, telling an average of two to three lies. The tendency to lie is deeply rooted in our evolutionary history, as other primates have been observed to cheat and deceive. Human children pick up this crafty behavior between the ages of two and five, and it is seen by some psychologists as a milestone of cognitive growth. Why does the brain care about honesty? As social animals, our reputation is paramount. Consequently, most people work very hard to maintain an image of trustworthiness and integrity. Knowing that dishonesty risks irrevocable damage to one’s reputation, lying is an inherently stressful activity. When we engage in deceit, our respiratory and heart rates increase, we start to sweat, our mouth goes dry, and our voice can shake” (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pleased-meet-me/202001/the-truth-about-lying-and-what-it-does-the-body).  But, some people can control the physiological manifestations of lying; that’s why polygraph tests are not as reliable as we may have believed.

Dr. Sullivan continues: “… brain imaging studies are proving to be much more informative for learning about the body’s response to lying. Symptoms of anxiety arise because lying activates the limbic system in the brain, the same area that initiates the ‘fight or flight’ response that is triggered during other stresses. When people are being honest, this area of the brain shows minimal activity. But when telling a lie, it lights up like a fireworks display. An honest brain is relaxed, while a dishonest brain is frantic.  [According to researchers,] short-term stress and discomfort, living a dishonest life would seem to take a toll on health. According to [another] article, constant lying is associated with an array of negative health outcomes including high blood pressure, increased heart rate, vasoconstriction, and elevated stress hormones in the blood.”

What does lying do to our brains?  According to another study, “A team of researchers at University College London and Duke University set out to find out what exactly goes on in the brain when we tell a lie. In particular, they wanted to know whether the brain becomes desensitized to dishonesty over time, making it easier to tell a lie when we do so over and over again.

The researchers first had to prove that dishonesty increases over time. So they devised a task in which study participants could lie in order to receive money. To start, they presented participants with 30 pictures of glass jars, each containing between 1,500 and 3,500 pennies. The participants were asked to estimate one at a time how many pennies were in the jar. Then the participants sent advice (via a computer) to a partner whom they were told would submit an estimate on behalf of both of them.

In one key version of the experiment, they were told they would be paid according to how much their partner overestimated while their partner would be paid according to how accurate his or her estimate was. As you may expect, participants faced a temptation to do something unethical: to lie about how many pennies they thought were in the jar so they could receive more money for themselves, even though it meant less money for their partner.

At first, participants lied only a little. They inflated their estimates only a few hundred pennies more than what they believed was actually in the jar. But over the course of the study, their estimates became higher and higher. By the end of the study their estimates were nearly twice as high as when they began. In other words, dishonesty snowballed—lies started small but increased steadily in magnitude over time.

The next step was to understand what happened in the brain that caused dishonesty to increase. The researchers performed the same experiment while observing participants’ brain activity using functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI). Early on, they saw a great deal of activity in regions of the brain associated with emotions—the amygdala in particular. This observation suggests that participants initially felt very bad about the lies they told. But over time, as participants lied again and again, these areas of the brain showed less and less activity. Just like when we encounter other unpleasant stimuli—like loud noises or frightening images, for example—the brain has the ability to adapt and make the stimuli less intense. Unfortunately, in this case, adaptation makes it easier to do a bad thing. When lying no longer stirs up negative feelings, we are able to increase the magnitude of our lies. Then the additional, larger lies further deaden our sensitivity to the act of lying, and the slippery slope continues.

This new study provides empirical proof for an idea that is as old as the Christian Bible: ‘Whoever is dishonest in a very little is dishonest also in much’ (Luke 16:10)—at least in the basic sense that small lies tend to lead inexorably to larger lies. So when you observe even small lapses in a person’s integrity, it stands to reason that they may do more gravely unethical things in the future, particularly if they never receive pushback or punishment that would help them change course” (https://ethicalleadership.nd.edu/news/what-dishonesty-does-to-your-brain-why-lying-becomes-easier-and-easier/).  Consequently and unfortunately, the more humans lie, the more their amygdala adapts to accommodate lying.

What are the consequences of lying?  Here are a few of the results of being dishonest:

• “ Lying can be cognitively depleting, it can increase the risk that people will be punished, it can threaten people’s self-worth by preventing them from seeing themselves as ‘good people, and it can generally erode trust in society “ (https://spsp.org/news-center/character-context-blog/consequences-dishonesty).

• “ Dishonesty motivated by desire for personal gain can also lead people to forget the rules that are intended to govern their behavior” (https://spsp.org/news-center/character-context-blog/consequences-dishonesty).

• “ The idea that some lies are OK recently became the subject of public discussion when former White House Communications Director Hope Hicks, [who worked in the Trump administration], in a closed hearing of the House Intelligence Committee, was asked whether she lied for the President. According to news accounts, she conferred with her lawyers and then admitted she had told ‘white lies’ – inconsequential lies – for the president.

Of course, one of the dangers of justifying dishonesty by saying the lies are inconsequential is that people then question whether those lies really are inconsequential. Is that statement itself further dishonesty? Like with cockroaches, when we see one, we may assume that there are many others around too” (https://www.forbes.com/sites/forbescoachescouncil/2018/03/27/the-dangers-of-dishonesty/).

• Telling any kind of lie leads o false justification. “Some claim the lie was just an innocent factual error, without the intent to deceive. Some justify lying to prevent a greater harm. Some justify the lie when there are conflicting duties, such as when the truth would violate confidentiality. All too often, these justifications are not the actual reasons for the lies; they’re the rationale for the lies once the leaders have been caught in dishonesty. But however compelling a justification may be in the moment, even if the leader isn’t caught, there is a fundamental problem with justifying dishonesty in some circumstances. And that is because repeated behaviors can become habitual” (https://www.forbes.com/sites/forbescoachescouncil/2018/03/27/the-dangers-of-dishonesty/).

• Lying causes “trust to plummet. Warren Buffett, whose entire business arguably rests on the trust his investors have in him to manage their money responsibly, said ‘It takes 20 years to build a reputation and five minutes to ruin it. If you think about that, you'll do things differently.’ In today’s world, where a tweet can reach millions in under 30 seconds, it’s even more important to consider that. Because once trust is lost, it is very hard, and sometimes impossible, to restore.” (https://www.forbes.com/sites/forbescoachescouncil/2018/03/27/the-dangers-of-dishonesty/).

• Lying erodes trust, damages reputations, has legal repercussions, and takes an “emotional toll of stress and guilt.”  “Lying can strain relationships, disrupt personal and professional lives, and even lead to profound psychological effects like cognitive dissonance and self-deception”(Dangers in lying: The Consequences of Lying, Dominic Okoro).

• Once someone has a reputation for lying, it’s hard to convince people they’ve changed and others don’t trust them not to be duplicitous.

Here’s an example from my life.  As a child, I had an exceedingly active imagination.  Even as a youngster, I wrote fictional stories and, liked many children, I told stories to inflate my rather ordinary life. At 6 years old, I told my first grade teacher that I had a pet duck.  All of the other kids were talking about their pet dogs or cats, and, because I wasn’t allowed to have a pet, my little self thought I needed a pet to be like the other children; so, I created “Ducky.”  When my first grade teacher came to my house to visit my parents, she asked to meet “Ducky.”  The look on my mother’s face was priceless!  Because I had lied and didn’t want to come clean about the lie, I led my teacher and mother outside to call for “Ducky” to come out from under the house. I continued to lie.  As they say, lies are like potato chips: you cannot just have one. Of course, I got into big trouble over that lie.  Here is the moral of the story: even though I was only 6, my parents continued to question my honesty about everything.  I’m 68 years old now and that slip in integrity has lasted 62 years!  Not maintaining integrity damages the cornerstone of trust, credibility, and ethical/moral structure of one’s life and one’s reputation; it’s not worth risking.

What  do you see as the dangers and consequences of lying, of not maintaining integrity?  Please share your thoughts, insights, and suggestions by either commenting below this post if you are reading this on social media, or, if you are reading this through your email subscription, please share, by emailing me, at reimaginelife22@gmail.com. This is the third in a series of blog posts on ‘integrity.’  Please consider buying Martha Beck’s book, The Way of Integrity, Finding the Path to Your True Self; it is well written, well researched, full of beneficial exercises, and personal stories about becoming a person of integrity. Next week’s blog will be the last in the series on ‘integrity’ and will feature discussing how to embrace integrity and how to reestablish integrity when we stumble.

Thank you for reading and participating in this blog essay; I invite you to subscribe to my blog at www.reimaginelifecoach.com.