It Makes an A$$ out of You & Me

While it is a mystery who first coined this idiom, oftentimes, brilliant playwright, Oscar Wilde, is credited with having said, “When you assume, you make an ass out of u and me.” ‘Assuming’ can, indeed, make an ass out of you and me. According to the Cambridge Dictionary, ‘assuming’ is, “to accept something to be true without question or proof: [ + (that) ] I assumed (that) you knew each other because you went to the same school” (https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/assuming). Making assumptions about all aspects of life are running rampant.

What do people make assumptions about? Here are a few examples I’ve heard just this week:

• “She’s a big girl; why doesn’t she work out to lose that weight?” I wish I had a quarter for every time I hear someone judge others with body shaming intentions. It is a huge assumption that someone isn’t exercising or taking good care of their health simply because their body is larger.

• “Someone who is over 75 is too senile to run for president.” That’s an assumption and represents age discrimination and states something that is assumed to be true but lacks proof.

• “Do you need help putting your groceries in your car?” I overheard this question asked by a cashier to a woman with silver hair who was wearing workout clothes and looked fit enough to take down the cashier if there was a fight. But, the cashier didn’t ask the same question of the next person in line who did not have silver hair and appeared to be at least 20 years younger than the first person in line. The cashier may have assumed that silver hair meant that first customer was too old to carry her own groceries. Because I didn't want to assume, I asked the person who bagged my groceries if the cashier asks every customer if they needed help putting their groceries in the car, and he said, "Nah. Just the old people." Again, age discrimination caused by a incorrect assumption.

• “He doesn’t go to church, so, he’s not a real believer.” Assuming someone doesn’t hold beliefs and values because they don’t go to church is an obvious wrong assumption. And, this is highly judgmental.

• “White Baby Boomers are all ‘Karens.’” Again, age discrimination and generational discrimination and racism are involved here. Assuming all white people, especially women, born of that generation are ‘Karens’ points to this statement as a dangerous assumption.

• “Addiction: the disease that makes you too selfish to see the havoc you created or care abut the people whose lives you have shattered.” Yipes! This was posted on social media and I find it incredibly judgmental and makes eroneoous assumptions about the nature of addiction. It also demonstrates that the person who wrote this post may not have dealt directly or indirectly with addiction or anyone who is challenged by addition.

What causes people to make assumptions? Educator and writer, Clarissa Johnson, says, “We make assumptions about other people's lives based on our own experiences in life and so we assume that what we are correct because we know our experiences to be true. When we make assumptions about other people, what we are really doing is looking for things in others that confirm our own beliefs about life” (https://www.hellobrain.com.au). Ms. Johnson goes on to say, “The only things we can notice are what people are directly saying, doing or wearing. EVERYTHING ELSE is imagined or assumed. I still make assumptions about people. I do. I think it is a human thing to do. I am getting better at NOT doing this purely based on the fact that I am conscious that others are probably doing the same about me! Again, what people think about me or assume about me is really none of my business. BUT...it is my business to be in control of my own assumptions about other people. Because the assumptions lead to us thinking that we are true and correct in our knowledge of other people and nine times out of ten - we are incorrect!” (https://www.hellobrain.com.au).

I like how Ms. Johnson, in the previously quoted passage, admits she assumes and that it’s a human trait. I, too, catch myself making assumptions; when I do, I shift my thinking away from assuming. What often tips me off that I’m making an assumption is when I start a sentence something like this: “ALL ________ are idiotic and untrustworthy.” This is a stereotyping, judging, and assuming statement that cannot be proven. It takes a conscious effort not to assume. By the way, Ms. Johnson’s article is insightful and helpful; I encourage readers to check it out in total using this link: https://www.hellobrain.com.au/blog/assumptions.

Clinical psychologist, Jennifer Guttman, Psy.D., shares this: “Do you notice yourself overthinking situations? Are you preoccupied with re-running situations in your head? Do you mentally recount what was said or done, as well as what’s demonstrated non-verbally? Are you likely to make assumptions about what might have really occurred to infer more material from the interaction? Do you notice yourself engaging in a mental chess game? The problem with this behavioral pattern is that our memories are mercurial and infused with a biased lens. They are biased by our history, distractions, and preoccupations before, during, and after the interaction, which pollute our memory.

If you’re doing this, then you are in the process of making assumptions that x or y might happen. This wastes precious mental energy. If something does occur, we usually act instinctively on the spot, rather than based on previously imagined scenarios” (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/sustainable-life-satisfaction/201909/are-you-guilty-of-making-too-many-assumptions).

Psychiatrist, Dr. Marcia Sirota, advises, “So, how to we stop making so many assumptions and start basing our understanding of people and the world on more tangible facts? We simply pause as we’re jumping to our conclusions and ask ourselves’ “How do I know this?’ If the answer to that question is anything other than ‘I learned it through observing the evidence or through obtaining factual information,’ then we’re at risk of making an incorrect assumption. If we just stop and do our own fact-checking before deciding that we know something, we’ll avoid the trap of false assumptions and most likely prevent a lot of unnecessary difficulties for ourselves and others” (https://marciasirotamd.com/psychology-popular-culture/problem-making-assumptions).

As we enter the season of closing out the year, letting go of ways of relating that are judgmental / stereotypical /assuming, and preparing for a fresh start in the coming new year, we can decide to be kinder, more gentle with ourselves and with others, and avoid making assumptions about other people and their lives. For me, I do not want to be an a$$ and don’t want to make someone else an a$$, so, I’m working on avoiding making assumptions about others and their lives from now on. Will you join me?

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