From the Tao Te Ching, written by Lao Tzu, Chinese philosopher c. 500 BC, “Water is fluid, soft, and yielding. But water will wear away rock, which is rigid and cannot yield. As a rule, whatever is fluid, soft, and yielding will overcome whatever is rigid and hard. This is another paradox: what is soft is strong.” Steve Maraboli, author and speaker on behavioral science/business methods/social insights, says of yielding, “You must learn to let go. Release the stress. You were never in control anyway” (qtd. in https://tinybuddha.com/blog/let-go-of-control-how-to-learn-the-art-of-surrender/). What does is mean to yield? according to the Oxford English Dictionary, ‘to yield’ is “to cede, to give up control, to lay down control/weapons/power over, to surrender control” (https://www.oed.com/search/dictionary/?scope=HistoricalThesaurus&q=to+yield). To some people, ‘yielding’ sounds weak and like losing control. Yet, ‘yielding’ may be the only way to respond to a situation.
According to author Dr. Amy Johnson who helps people reshape their habits and release their anxiety, admits, “I’ve noticed that things go much more smoothly when I give up control—when I allow them to happen instead of making them happen. Unfortunately, I’m terrible at this. Although I’m much better than I used to be, I’m a bit of a control freak. I often use perfectly good energy trying to plan, predict, and prevent things that I cannot possibly plan, predict, or prevent…Like most humans I know, I spend a lot of time in business that’s not mine. The baby’s business, my friends’ business, Mother Nature’s business. As a recovering control freak, there are three things I know for sure about trying to control things:
1.We try to control things because of what we think will happen if we don’t. In other words, control is rooted in fear.
2. Control is a result of being attached to a specific outcome—an outcome we’re sure is best for us, as if we always know what’s best. When we trust that we’re okay no matter what circumstances come our way, we don’t need to micromanage the universe. We let go. And we open ourselves to all sorts of wonderful possibilities that aren’t there when we’re attached to one ‘right’ path.
3. The energy of surrender accomplishes much more than the energy of control. I suspect it’s slightly different for everyone, but here’s what control mode looks and feels like for me: My vision gets very narrow and focused, my breath is shallow, adrenaline is pumping and my heart rate increases.
My mind shifts from topic to topic and from past to future very quickly, and I have little concentration, poor memory, and almost no present-moment awareness.
In surrender mode, I’m calm, peaceful. Breathing deeply, present in the moment. I see clearly and my vision extends out around me, allowing me to (literally) see the bigger picture.
So the great irony is that attempting to control things actually feels less in control. When I’m micro-managing and obsessing over details, I know I’m in my own way.
Surrender literally means to stop fighting. Stop fighting with yourself. Stop fighting the universe and the natural flow of things. Stop resisting and pushing against reality.
Surrender = Complete acceptance of what is + Faith that all is well, even without my input. It’s not about inaction. It’s about taking action from that place of surrender energy” (https://tinybuddha.com/blog/let-go-of-control-how-to-learn-the-art-of-surrender/).
Why do some people struggle with yielding? Consider the person who cannot accept defeat. They refuse to yield even when the truth is obvious. What if that person accepted what is and dealt honestly with the outcome? And, even though we accept the truth, shifting from control to yielding usually isn’t easy. Dr. Johnson suggests three questions that may help:
“1. What am I afraid will happen if I let go of control?
When you pinpoint the fear, question its validity. Ask yourself, Is it true? If you’re afraid the night will be ruined if your boyfriend doesn’t remember to pick up eggplant (and you’ve already reminded him fourteen times), question that assumption.
Can you really know the night would be ruined without the eggplant? And if it would be ruined (by your definition, anyway), what’s so bad about that?
2. Find out whose business you’re in.
Your business is the realm of things that you can directly influence. Are you there? Or are you in someone else’s business? When we’re trying to control things outside of our own business, it’s not going to go well.
3. Consider this: Would letting go feel like freedom?
It almost always would. Let that feeling of freedom guide you toward loosening your grip.
We can always choose to do things the easy way or the hard way. We can muscle through, or we can let go of the oars and let the current carry us downstream. There is a peaceful, yet focused energy that accompanies holding the intention of what I want, but not forcing myself to do it. That energy is magic. I’m still a work in progress, but I’m allowing it to become a habit instead of making it a habit” (https://tinybuddha.com).
If the phrase, “I quit,” rubs you the wrong way, shift your thinking to choose to let go of something, the hope of getting the job you wanted and didn’t get, a relationship that isn’t working out, your candidate didn’t win the election. Rather than ‘quitting,’ you are ‘choosing’ to yield to what is rather than being sad or angry or bitter or determined to get your own way if that’s not working out. That’s not to say you won’t have all of the emotions that come with losing something you wanted; you will and you will need to stay with those unpleasant feelings while still accepting them. Admitting what is happening and working through the disappointment by yielding will put you on the recovery/solutions process rather than pushing against what is. Then, you can work to cultivate a way around the disappointment. Perhaps, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is a great way to start.
In case, you haven’t encountered ACT, it “…is an action-oriented approach to psychotherapy that stems from traditional behavior therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy.[People] learn to stop avoiding, denying, and struggling with their inner emotions and, instead, accept that these deeper feelings are appropriate responses to certain situations that should not prevent them from moving forward in their lives. With this understanding, [people]begin to accept their hardships and commit to making necessary changes in their behavior, regardless of what is going on in their lives and how they feel about it…ACT was developed in the 1980s by psychologist Steven C. Hayes, a professor at the University of Nevada. The ideas that coalesced into ACT emerged from Hayes’s own experience, particularly his history of panic attacks. Eventually, he vowed that he would no longer run from himself—he would accept himself and his experiences…We as a culture seem to be dedicated to the idea that ‘negative’ human emotions need to be fixed, managed, or changed—not experienced as part of a whole life. We are treating our own lives as problems to be solved as if we can sort through our experiences for the ones we like and throw out the rest…Acceptance, mindfulness, and values are key psychological tools needed for that transformative shift.
The theory behind ACT is that it is counterproductive to try to control painful emotions or psychological experiences; suppression of these feelings ultimately leads to more distress. ACT adopts the view that there are valid alternatives to trying to change the way you think, and these include mindful behavior, attention to personal values, and commitment to action. By taking steps to change their behavior while, at the same time, learning to accept their psychological experiences, [people] can eventually change their attitudes and emotional states” (qtd. in https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapy-types/acceptance-and-commitment-therapy).
What could you yield that will bring a sense of freedom to your life? Please share your thoughts, insights, and suggestions by either commenting below this post if you are reading this on social media, or, if you are reading this through your email subscription, please share, by emailing me, at reimaginelife22@gmail.com.
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