"Let Them, Let Go, Let Me"*

(* Part of the title of this blog post is also partially the title of a couple of poems and a book that I’ll discuss in the body of the post.)

At the end of 2024, podcaster, Mel Robbins released her book with a super long title: The Let Them Theory: A Life-Changing Tool That Millions of People Can’t Stop Talking About. She wrote the book after her podcast episode on May 23, 2023 that featured the tenets of the ‘Let Them Theory’ “received over 14 million view in less than a week” (https://bestlifeonline.com/mel-robbins-let-them-plagiarism-accusations/). Then, in January 2025, it was alleged by activist, Sage Justice, that Ms. Robbins was not the originator of the ‘Let Them/Let Me’ popular expression and that Ms. Robbins did not give credit to poet, Cassie Phillips who claims to be the originator of ‘Let Them’ since 2019. In 2022, Ms. Phillips’ follow-up poem, “Let Me” went viral (https://bestlifeonline.com/mel-robbins-let-them-plagiarism-accusations/). By the way, to read Ms. Phillips’ poems and learn about the “Let Them Revolution" (Chapter 1 title name), her book is called (another really long title), The Art of Letting Them: A Radical New Way to Find Peace, Break Free From Control, and Reclaim Your Life. While plagiarism may exist here and it may have been unintentional, I do not know as of the writing of this blog post if this issue has been resolved and it’s not my job to pass judgment. I relate the background as a disclaimer. This post is not about plagiarism; it’s about the sentiment and tenets presented in Ms. Phillips’ poem and Ms. Robbins’ book. 

When I first heard of the ‘Let Them’ Movement / Theory, I was skeptical. My thinking was that it advocates an overly simplistic response pattern.  For example, when the world is subjected to an egotistical maniac who doesn’t know what he’s doing except to throw the world economy into chaos, how does saying, “let them” help?  That’s too big of an issue to simply shrug shoulders and say, “let them.”  But, if the issue is smaller in scale and consequences, the ‘let them’ approach may be helpful in stopping ruminating over a problem, in stopping unhealthy habits and reactions, in shifting the energy away from the problem and toward effective solutions and responses.

Here’s essentially how it works, when we are hanging on to control and it’s not functioning the way we want - there’s resistance to our attempts to command a situation or other people, a better response may be to take a deep breath and proclaim, “let them.”  If my teenager will not pick up her room and it’s making me crazy trying to control her to do what I want her to do, who is the one getting upset?  It’s not my daughter; it’s me.  I want control and I want it NOW!  When I shift my attempts to control what my daughter does and focus on my own well-being, I let go of the control and ‘let her’ do what she’s doing or not doing.  She no longer controls my reactions to my previous attempts to control her. The consequences are shifted to my daughter.  As the theory goes, after I have ‘let them,’ I consider what I will ‘let me’ do.  I can come up with boundaries. I can access how important it is for me to ‘die on that hill’ of trying to force my daughter to my will; I can sit down with her and share expectations, ask her when picking up her room would work better in her schedule, and we can plan a strategy together, side-by-side rather than as enemies on opposite ends of a war tribunal. Perhaps your child wants to walk to the school bus with their friends and you tend to be a 'helicopter parent' and refuse to allow it thereby disappointing your child and robbing them of learning safety and confidence. After discussing the rules with your child about safe walking with other children to the school bus , you could let go of control and 'let them.'

When other people don’t meet our expectations, we can tell ourselves to ‘let them’ be who they are; we aren’t in charge of changing them.  We are in charge of changing ourselves and responding rather than reacting.  Both Robbins and Phillips tout the benefits of ‘let them/let go/let me’ thinking: less stress, less ongoing conflict, enhances well-being by letting go of what we cannot change.  By letting others “experience their [own] thoughts, emotions, and actions without trying to change or control them [,we] …can…break free from patterns of people-pleasing, rescuing, or controlling others which can cause anxiety, guilt, and stress” (qtd. in https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/simplifying-complex-trauma/202504/let-them-doesnt-mean-forgive-them). 

Trauma psychotherapist and author, Amanda Anna Gregory shares in Psychology Today, that the “‘Let Them’ theory doesn’t require or encourage forgiveness, that it promotes acceptance, not forgiveness…Forgiveness is not the same as acceptance or reconciliation and that reconciliation occurs when two or more people restore a relationship after harm” (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/simplifying-complex-trauma/202504/let-them-doesnt-mean-forgive-them).  “Forgiveness researchers, Robert D. Enright and Richard P. Fitzgibbons explain [:] ‘forgiveness is a form of acceptance, but not all forms of acceptance constitute forgiveness’” (qtd. in https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/simplifying-complex-trauma/202504/let-them-doesnt-mean-forgive-them). We can accept what has “happened without forgiving the person who wronged [us] and the ‘Let Them’ theory supports with idea by promoting the view that [we] don’t have to let others’ actions or emotions dictate [our] own” (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/simplifying-complex-trauma/202504/let-them-doesnt-mean-forgive-them ). 

Perhaps Roman Emperor, Marcus Aurelius, from the early 100s CE suggested the best advice on how to respond when trying to control everything and everyone: “ It is in our power to have no opinion about a thing, and not to be disturbed in our soul; for things themselves have no natural power to form our judgements” (Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, Book 6). 

I encourage you to explore the “Let Them” theory and judge for yourself it’s usefulness.  For me, I find it appealing and I still see some holes in the theory. After reading up on the “Let Them” theory from Phillips and Robbins, what do you find helpful? Please share your stories, thoughts, insights, and suggestions by either commenting below this post if you are reading this on social media, or, if you are reading this through your email subscription, please share, by emailing me, at reimaginelife22@gmail.com. 

Thank you for reading and participating in this blog essay; I invite you to subscribe to my blog at www.reimaginelifecoach.com.