With Valentine’s Day coming up this week, it’s a great time to look at self-love and self-care because not all of us are romantically connected to another person, but, we are connected to ourself. The History Channel shares a pretty gruesome pagan beginning of the Valentine’s holiday: “Some trace Valentine’s Day origins to a Christian effort to replace a pagan fertility festival that has been dated as far back as the 6th century B.C.E. During the festival of Lupercalia, Roman priests would sacrifice goats and dogs and use their blood-soaked hides to slap women on the streets, as a fertility blessing. According to legend, women would later put their names in an urn and be selected to be paired with a man for a year” (https://www.history.com/topics/valentines-day/valentines-day-facts). How many of us found that horrifying and icky?! I’ve gotta say, I’d rather spend the day holed up on the sofa with my dachshunds than to risk being pelted with a bloody hide and be paired with some strange man. Even if you are partnered and ‘in love,’ loving yourself and taking care of yourself is essential to your well-being. What is self-love and what is self-care?
From the Oxford English Dictionary, ‘self-love’ is defined as, “regard for one's own well-being and happiness (chiefly considered as a desirable rather than narcissistic characteristic), a psychological concept that involves intentional behaviors around self-soothing, boosting your self-esteem and honoring your self-awareness” (www.oed.com). In a study on self-love conducted in 2021, the following are five components the study authors saw appear in life “across four dimensions: self, family, others, and society:
* self-cherishing
* self-acceptance = accepting ourselves exactly as we are. This isn’t the same as self esteem or self-confidence; and self-acceptance is a learned response.
* self-restraint
* self-responsibility
*self-persistence” (qtd. in https://psychcentral.com/health/what-is-self-love-and-why-is-it-so-important#signs)
What are signs of self-love? While ‘self-love’ “isn’t a concrete construct [, it] can look different for everyone but typically involved thoughts and behaviors that promote a compassionate relationship with yourself. Signs of self-love can include:
* setting and upholding personal boundaries
* using positive self-talk and not harsh criticism
* being kind and forgiving to yourself if you make a mistake or feel inadequate
* treating yourself with empathy as you would a friend experiencing the same challenge
* participating in activities that promote your mental and physical well-being
* valuing yourself enough to pursue new goals or learn new skills
* accepting your strengths and weaknesses to let go of unreasonable expectations
* considering yourself rather than always putting others first
* celebrating or acknowledging your achievements
* feeling comfortable to live by your personal beliefs and values rather than conform to external standards
The key to self-love is finding balance. You don’t have to always put yourself first, for example, but you should consider your mental and physical well-being when making decisions. Or, you don’t have to always celebrate your accomplishments publicly, but be proud of yourself privately” (https://psychcentral.com/health/what-is-self-love-and-why-is-it-so-important#signs).
Why is self-love significant? One habit that plagues many people is perfectionism. Perfectionism is “the refusal to accept any standard short of being perfect” (www.oed.com). Yipes! That sounds impossible and yet many people hold themselves to impossible standards and expectations. When people turn away from perfectionism by cultivating another ‘self’: self-compassion. When we treat ourselves with self-kindness, understanding, and forgiveness, we start to let go of the vision of perfection we hold ourselves to. We remind ourselves that no one is perfect, and through mindfulness, we avoid identifying our worth with painful emotions and situations. Self-love is a key to our excellent well-being because it helps us reduce the stress and worry by cultivating a state of accepting reality for what it is and it develops durability and the ability to ‘bounce back’ after emotional, physical, and spiritual set backs. Self-love raises the inner calm and peace we feel. It encourages us to stand up for ourselves; it prompts positive behaviors such as choosing to go for a walk rather than hanging out on the sofa for hours scrolling or to choose a healthy meal rather than grabbing chips and chocolate to soothe ourselves. When we love ourselves, we set healthy boundaries and we hold them so that we respect ourselves. And, self-love makes a priority out of self-care. How else do you see self-love as beneficial in your life? What makes self-love difficult for you at times?
What about self-care? Is it selfish or vital? What does it mean to be selflessly selfish? According to the Oxford English Dictionary, ‘self-care’ is, “the practice of taking action to preserve or improve one's own health” (www.oed.com). That’s a fairly broad definition that’s open to our individual interpretation. I hear people often say that self-care isn’t about having a spa day. I do not believe that because, for me, a spa day is great care of my body, mind, and spirit. Self-care is, however, much more and depends on what feeds your spirit, mind, and body. Here are a couple of podcasts that you may find engaging on the topic of self-care: https://www.astroshaman.com/awaken-heal-and-thrive/ (Listen to “Selflessly Selfish: Balancing Service with Self-Care” podcast from 7/22/24), https://shows.acast.com/this-is-stuart/episodes/is-self-care-selfish-or-essential (Listen to This is Stuart podcast for 1/28/25 called “Is self care selfish or essential?”). And, here are a few things I do that preserve and improve my well-being:
I eat plant-based 3 times a week.
I work out at least 1 hour 6 times a week.
I meditate every day.
I spend time with my dachshunds.
I read and I write.
I meet up with friends.
I either take myself out for a palate pleasing meal or I prepare one at home.
I do a spa night at home.
I get a mani-pedi.
I get outside in nature.
I go to a museum / art gallery.
I look at photos of elephants, puppies, dolphins and whales.
I breathe deeply.
I learn something new.
I listen to positive, soothing music.
I dance.
I do not watch the news or other salacious and violent content. (Yes, I can stay informed without watching the news; I get my unbiased worldwide daily news from 1440 Digest in my email each day.)
Here’s a new one for me: I’m getting off of Facebook / Meta on 2/14/25 to preserve my peace; it’s tempted me to join in unhealthy, angry, and spiritually damaging thinking, so, I must let it go. And, I cannot maintain my integrity if I support Facebook / Meta because they have aligned with values that are not mine.
My self-care doesn’t have to cost anything but time and no one else has to be with me for me to be renewed, refreshed by acts of self-care. Whatever I choose for self-care is treating myself.
Happy Valentine’s Day to you! What do you do for your own self-care? If you have been neglecting your self-care, what will you add to your life to take care of and to love yourself as you are? Please share your stories, thoughts, insights, and suggestions by either commenting below this post if you are reading this on social media, or, if you are reading this through your email subscription, please share, by emailing me, at reimaginelife22@gmail.com.
Thank you for reading and participating in this blog essay; I invite you to subscribe to my blog at www.reimaginelifecoach.com.
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