Romantic Relationships: Ooooooo baby!
Reimagine Life Coaching preface - This week’s blog is written by contributor, Gina Rider. Gina is crisis counselor, a professor emeritus of Psychology and English, a skilled relationship coach, a mother/wife/young grandmother, and a dear friend who helps people live their best lives. To contact Gina, please email her at
I recently watched a movie about the celebrated, American, poet, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. Of course, being the academic nerd that I am, I immediately started reading his poetry, and as a social scientist, my eyes gravitated to his eloquent words, “There is nothing holier in this life of ours than the first consciousness of love, the first fluttering of its silken wings” (Longfellow). He is clearly referring to romantic love, and although the “rules” and expectations of romantic connections have significantly transformed considerably since the 19th century, they have existed far before our time. Seriously!! Look at the mess Adam and Eve caused!!
Given that a “gajillion” books have been written on romantic relationships, it would be an insufferable task to cover every aspect of “amour” in a blog, let alone you having to sift through it all. My intent is merely to delve into a few of the major factors that influence how and why we choose romantic companions and discuss some insight that may cause a few light bulbs to go off in your minds. Some of the key factors that impact our choice of a romantic interests are:
personality
family background
values
physical attractiveness and
communication styles.
To me, it stands to reason that regardless of the number of variables which spawn our love interests, our personalities are the perfect starting point in our self-examination. Personality characteristics tend to unravel the human psyche. Throughout this text, please remember that there is no right, wrong, better or worse personality, nor is any one of us one personality. Generally, we have a primary and secondary personality incorporating many or most of the strengths and weaknesses. Yes!! There are weaknesses in every personality. Before I explore the four basic (recognized) personalities, I’m going to give you a brief history of how the concept of four temperaments came to exist.
I’m certain that most of you are familiar with the name, Hippocrates. After all, he was the father of medical science…the Hippocratic oath that doctors take??? Anybody??? He lived before Christ (c460BC – 370BC). Well, two thousand years ago, he decided that people’s personalities were connected to their “predominant body fluid” (Yes, I know it’s “gross”), hence the following terms
choleric
melancholic
sanguine and
phlegmatic
I bet you would be surprised to learn that even God used these four temperaments in scripture to accomplish His kingdom purposes. Remember Moses (melancholy/phlegmatic), Peter (sanguine/choleric) Paul
http://deus-det.blogspot.com/2012/08/the-four-temperaments-and-biblical.html
1. Sanguine-- Trust me! It'll work out! Proverbs 15:13 "A happy heart make the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit." Proverbs 15:15 "All the days of the oppressed are wretched, but the cheerful heart has a continual feast." Jesus enjoyed eating and drinking with friends and sinners and telling parables. Peter--'A Trust Me' type. He was very dramatic, often speaking up for the rest of the disciples. Sometimes he spoke before thinking. One moment, in front of the crowd, he promises to never forsake Christ. A while later he denied even knowing the Lord. He was probably sanguine and choleric. John Mark--started well but then quit (Acts 15:37-39). King David, Samson, Barnabas, Mary (Martha's Sister-probably sanguine/phlegmatic, people oriented, somewhat passive). Ruth showed sanguine behavior when she enticed Naomi to let her travel with her. She demonstrated family loyalty and an adventurous spirit by her willingness to move to a foreign country (probably sanguine/phlegmatic). Many evangelists are sanguine.
2. Melancholy-- How was it done in the past? Proverbs 27:12 The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it. Jesus taught the lost about the kingdom of God. Moses--A 'Do it Right' kind of guy. Wanted to know the details of how God was going to help him lead the people out of Egypt. Attentive to the details of the Law given by God and the precise measurements of the temple. Probably Moses was a melancholy/phlegmatic. He seemed unsure of himself and tried to convince God to make his brother Aaron a leader. Apollos--Acts 18:24-28 Probably melancholy and choleric. Mary, the Mother of Jesus--Analytical: She wondered what sort of greeting this might be. Luke 2: 19 "Mary kept all these things, pondering them in her heart." Be it done unto me according to all you have said. Likely melancholy/phlegmatic. Judas Iscariot, Joseph (O.T.), Thomas--he doubted Christ's resurrection. Jesus gave him the evidence Thomas needed to believe. Esther the Queen was willing to comply with the rules and requirements of her position. Yet, when it became necessary to bend the rules, she wanted to make sure that it was done correctly. She planned very carefully and prayerfully and was systematic in her approach to problem solving. Many teachers and intercessors have melancholy personalities.
3. Choleric-- Let's do it now! Galatians 1:10 Am I now seeking human approval, or God's approval? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still pleasing people, I would not be a servant of Christ.
Proverbs 11:14 For lack of guidance a nation falls, but many advisers make victory sure. This text provides corrective guidance for the choleric temperaments who believe they are right about most things. Jesus argued with the scribes and pharisees about the Law. Paul--A 'Do it Now!' temperament. He was left for dead, imprisoned, stoned, forsaken and forgotten, yet he pressed on toward the high calling of God. Elijah stood against the priests of Baal. Joshua, Rebekah, Priscilla, John the Baptist, Martha Many apostles/prophets are Choleric.
4. Phlegmatic-- Let's keep things the way they are! Proverbs 15:1 "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Proverbs 15:18 "A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel. Jesus spoke to the deepest needs of the woman at the well and the woman caught in adultery. Barnabas--probably phlegmatic and sanguine, Acts 15:37-39. Nehemiah--A 'Status Quo and Consensus' builder, good administrative skills to accomplish a task. Isaac, Joseph (N.T.), Hannah--she was submissive and remained faithful, even though her dreams were not fulfilled. She may have appeared unstable when she prayed in the temple. Her reaction after she prayed shows she was very stable. Many pastors and intercessors are phlegmatic.
Galen (Greek physician, AD 129 – 216) revered Hippocrates and developed many of his teachings, ultimately attempting to devise a comprehensive typology of temperament in his dissertation Die Temperamentis in which he speculated on physiological reasons for different behaviours in humans. It is logical that when Galen moved to Rome and formulated the notion of the Four Temperaments, he would have translated his teachings into Latin.
So, these ancient observations about human behaviors and personalities have stood the test of time. Are you curious about the strenghts and weaknesses of each personality type? See
https://www.personalitycafe.com/threads/four-temperaments.915186/ for a great chart on the advantages and disadvantages of each temperament.
Next week, Gina will share more on the aspects of romantic relationships. I hope you are enjoying Gina's blog posts and will turn in for me. Of course, if you wish to contact Gina, here is her contact link: gina@straighttalkwithgina.com.
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