Reimagine Life Coaching preface - This week’s blog is written by contributor, Gina Rider. Gina is crisis counselor, a professor emeritus of Psychology and English, a skilled relationship coach, a mother/wife/young grandmother, and a dear friend who helps people live their best lives. To contact Gina, please email her at
Hi everyone! Because of a technological error (probably me), my first blog on romantic relationships was delivered to Missy at ReImagine Life in a partial file leaving her to wonder what went wonky with my brain. Apologies all the way around!! After reading my first blog on romantic relationships, you should have a good understanding that people have been studying the four basic personalities since 400 B.C. when Hippocrates generated a theory that went uncontested for close to 2000 years. Of course, the theory has been improved upon by various social scientists, but the basic facets still hold true, and have been useful in numerous areas of psychology and sociology in helping people with all their relationships, as well as career choices.
The power that this knowledge holds assures me that it is essential that everyone become intimately aware of the details and descriptions of their primary and secondary personalities which will assist in facilitating healthy, satisfying relationships. Because I believe the knowledge of this information is critical in the success of relationships, I have listed the balance (missing from first blog) of the personality information (charts and resources) below in the next several paragraphs. I feel that by determining and accepting our own personality traits as well as the traits of our partners can we address challenges in our relationships, but also dissect our past and present choices of romantic associations.
For your convenience, I added a link below to a popular, “free” personality test (Myers-Briggs). I urge you to invest in yourself; you are worth it, as are your future relationships. The Myers-Briggs personality test is quite detailed and is based on Carl Jung’s theory on personality. Through a series of simple questions, you will become acutely aware of the strengths and challenges (I don’t like the word “weakness”) of your temperament. This information is often used to aid in career paths in addition to revealing separating strengths and challenges in our personality.
Link to FREE Myers-Briggs personality test
Please, look at the first chart (# 1) 4 Personalities Strengths and Weaknesses
Remember: There is NO right or wrong/better or worse personality. This is never about criticism and judgment, but understanding and personal growth.
Be honest with yourself as you consider which of these characteristics applies to you. I understand the difficulty with self-honesty, but it is important for improvement to occur.
I am confident you will easily recognize descriptions of your primary and secondary temperaments.
You will also identify traits of your, friends, family members, and colleagues found within these four personality types.
Sometimes it helps to write down names next to personalities.
If we are aware of the strengths and challenges in our own personalities, as well as those of our romantic partners, we can better maneuver through the "minefield” in which we often find ourselves during some of our most vulnerable times: falling in love. It makes sense that this knowledge and awareness is helpful in all our relationships. It is fundamental in a healthy relationship to know the strengths and weaknesses of each temperament, so we know what to expect from a particular personality and how to effectively react to certain behaviors. Please, keep in mind that none of us are successful in every reaction or choice of behavior towards others, so be kind and patient with yourself. Learning and improving is a learning process.
OK! You have taken the test and are aware of your primary and secondary personalities. My guess is that you have also recognized traits of your partner, family members, colleagues, etc. So, now what?? Chart [2], below, offers effective approaches for successful interaction with all four personalities choices. They are short, and to the point. As a social scientist, I find myself sizing up people’s personalities within minutes of meeting them. I use this list as a quick reference for keeping me “in line” with his/her personality. I am such a nerd that I keep a laminated copy in my wallet to reference in the event I go “bonkers”. It’s always important to me to meet people “where they are comfortable”, which is in their comfort zone (personality). As you practice these responses, you will find smoother interactions with these types of personalities.
Chart 2
Once you have determined your primary and secondary personalities:
Again, be kind to yourself. All personalities are created equal. Love your strengths and be aware of your challenges.
Get quiet and review some of your past and present romantic relationships. I made a list of some of mine and wrote down their personalities and traits to figure out why they failed. It helped me make better choices in the people I “hung out with”.
Review the following information about personalities and determine whether you have witnessed this type of interaction in other people’s romantic relationships or recognize some of the behavior in your own interactions.
I thought it would be interesting to see what the compatible and incompatible personalities look like. I added a little more commentary to remind you of their traits. Hopefully, after reviewing these, you will see why some people “work” together, and some just do not (like mixing oil and water).
The following personalities seem to work well together: [4]
Keep in mind, this is only a guide, there are always exceptions.
1. Sanguine-Charming, happy-go-lucky, fun, talkative, loud, crowd pleasing, can light up a room, is often “too much”.
Sanguine-Melancholic
Choleric-Sanguine
Melancholic-Sanguine
2. Sanguine-Phlegmatic-believe in energies, auras, and soul-“whatevers”. deeply spiritual, thinks there is more to everything than meets the eye.
Melancholic
Melancholic-Choleric
Phlegmatic-Choleric
3. Sanguine-Choleric-will never lose an argument, so don’t even try.
Melancholic
Sanguine-Phlegmatic
Choleric-Phlegmatic
4. Sanguine-Melancholic-will spoil you and love you and do anything to protect you; will also knock you naked if you get caught sneaking around and lying.
Choleric-Melancholic
Choleric-Sanguine
Melancholic-Sanguine
5. Phlegmatic-empathetic, caring, wants world peace and to save all the starving people in the world.
Melancholic-Phlegmatic
Phlegmatic-Melancholic
Choleric-Phlegmatic
6. Phlegmatic-Sanguine-see beauty everywhere, laid back and super happy, wildly affectionate
Sanguine
Phlegmatic-Melancholic
Sanguine-Melancholic
7. Phlegmatic-Choleric-caring, accepting, relaxed and would cure cancer just because they can. This person would clean the trash in the Wal-Mart parking lot.
Sanguine-Choleric
Phlegmatic
Sanguine-Phlegmatic
8. Phlegmatic-Melancholic-loyalty like a Golden Retriever and a bite like a German Shepherd. Would win a medal of honor.
Sanguine-Melancholic
Phlegmatic-sanguine
Choleric
9. Choleric-when the school nerd becomes a billionaire; ultra-smart, analytical, and dislikes B.S. (aka bull manure)
Melancholic-Phlegmatic
Melancholic-Sanguine
Phlegmatic-Melancholic
10. Choleric-Sanguine-put their money where their mouth is. Talk big, act, big, think words are cheap, and actions speak louder than words. Not fans of fake people and intolerant of liars.
Choleric-Melancholic
Sanguine
Melancholic-Phlegmatic
11. Choleric-Phlegmatic-big on justice, freedom, and anything else that protects the rights of the weak. Great speakers and don’t mind speaking their mind.
Choleric-Phlegmatic
Melancholic-Phlegmatic
Sanguine-Phlegmatic
12. Choleric-Melancholic-All about the rules and law and order. A bit obsessive and want everyone to work for the betterment of everyone else. Like to lead by example.
Choleric-Sanguine
Sanguine-Melancholic
Phlegmatic-Melancholic
13. Melancholic-extremists who would rather die than update their operation system. Doesn’t leave their comfort zone and will kill to protect it.
Melancholic-Choleric
Sanguine-Choleric
Choleric-Phlegmatic
14. Melancholic-Sanguine-two words: mad scientist
Phlegmatic-Sanguine
Phlegmatic
Sanguine
15. Melancholic-Phlegmatic-saintly people; relaxed, calm, good organizers, problem solvers, but difficult to please.
Choleric
Phlegmatic
Melancholic-Choleric
16. Melancholic-Choleric-probably coined the phrase, “The end justifies the means”. Go beyond boundaries to achieve a goal.
Phlegmatic-Choleric
Melancholic-Phlegmatic
Phlegmatic
The following personalities do not work well together: [5] Oil and water!!
Keep in mind, this is only a guide, there are always exceptions.
1. Melancholic-Choleric & Sanguine-Melancholic
Independent, knowledge seeking, not interested in socializing
Warm, Social butterfly, want to forge relationships, and forging relationships
2. Melancholic & Phlegmatic-Melancholic
Extravert, energized by socializing, judgmental, organized, digs heels in, thinker, can seem hard and cold at times
Introvert, drained and stressed out by socializing, judgmental, organized, feeler, naturally affectionate
3. Sanguine-Choleric & Phlegmatic-Sanguine
Spontaneous, adaptable, go with the flow, procrastinates, constant desire for interaction, sensing, thinker-uses logic to solve a problem, becomes frustrated by the lack of rationale in an argument.
Spontaneous, adaptable, go with the flow, procrastinates, becomes overwhelmed by constant interaction, intuitive, feeler-wants to express emotionally what is felt, feels as though their emotions aren’t being considered in an argument.
4. Choleric-Phlegmatic & Choleric
Sharp organization and planning skills, opinionated and unwilling to budge, ability to tune in to partner’s needs, wants and moods, but have difficulty connecting on an emotional level and can be detached.
Sharp organization and planning skills, opinionated and unwilling to budge, sharing innermost thoughts and feelings doesn’t come naturally and doesn’t connect with partner.
5. Phlegmatic-Choleric & Sanguine
Easygoing, adapt to change, relies on logic and reason while working through problems, super blunt with words, trigger a Sanguine’s worst fears (has a tough time coping with disapproval, and the partner may not think twice before criticizing (as they can take it just as easily as they dish it out). Avoids conflict.
Easygoing, adapt to change, relies on emotion while working through problems, takes blunt words personally, triggers Phlegmatic-Choleric’s worst fears (easily freaked out when they face emotionally vulnerable scenarios, which they’re likely to run into very often with an emotionally driven partner) Sees conflict as part of life, and welcomes it for growth potential.
6. Sanguine-Phlegmatic & Melancholic-Sanguine
Existence revolves around emotions-it’s what they base their decisions and behavior on. Spontaneous and impulsive. Flies by the seat of their pants. Is sensitive by nature and becomes wounded by straightforwardness.
Focuses on facts, not feelings. Specific, planned objectives. Makes calculated, practical decisions. Confrontation can come across as terse and hurtful, although unintended, and they are focused on problem solving so it’s about the facts. Purely emotional expressions by partner are exhausting.
7. Phlegmatic & Choleric-Sanguine
Pretty Chill, seldom outgoing (introvert) gets hurt if partner goes out without them. Future focused. Obsesses over the right thing to do based on morals.
Pretty Chill, extremely outgoing (extrovert) will go out without partner, also may cause resentment, because they may feel they need to stay at home. Focused on here and now. Action oriented making quick choices based on whatever the immediate goal is at the time.
8. Melancholic-Phlegmatic & Choleric Melancholic
Seek out change. Innovative-looking for new ways to do things. Offended by outspokenness. Needs a lot of emotional validation and feels misunderstood by partner if doesn’t receive. Gets irritated at partner’s “devil’s advocate” tendencies. Emotionally vulnerable and partner is not reciprocal making them feel like they are missing out on intimacy.
Super resistant to change. Conservative minded and traditional-why fix it if it isn’t broken? Outspoken. Not inclined to give emotional validation without prompting.
9. Phlegmatic-Melancholic & Sanguine Phlegmatic
Takes relationship very seriously, and in it for the long haul; if they see any signs of issues, they may end it quickly. Loves their stability. Not as good at expressing emotional side.
Takes responsibility seriously. Idealist who is committed to experiencing new things with their partner. Can’t wait to show partner to the whole world.
10. Choleric-Melancholic & Choleric Phlegmatic
Extrovert, judgmental, follow orders. Has strong values they stick to. What you see is what you get, and don’t change as the relationship progresses. Likes things to stay the same. Straight forward communicator. Eager to get point across as extroverts.
Extrovert, judgmental, follow orders. Changes and evolves. Wants their relationship to improve and grow. Wants the full picture first. Eager to get point across as extroverts.
My sincere hope is that this information will encourage each of you to analyze your own personalities, and possibly become a little more tolerant and understanding of those who don’t share your traits. The beauty of the world is that we are all unique. Each day of life is a learning experience, and if we take these experiences to heart, we evolve and grow increasing the level of humanity in which we share. This self can change our lives, and consequently, the world!
Resources:
Please stay tuned for my next blog: Romantic Relationships: Well, thanks Mom & Dad!! I will continue to journey with you as I delve deep into a few factors that influence how and why we select the romantic partners that we do. I’m assuming that you can tell by the title that most of it is Mom and Dad’s fault! HA! I truly belief that this excursion you are taking with me is full of value. I also believe you are worth it!!
