How often do you say, “I’m sorry,” in a day? I admit this is something I continue to work on and to replace this phrase with a more genuine response. Saying “I’m sorry,” for me, is a familial, cultural, generational, and gendered indoctrinated phrase that has been tough to stop using. Near the end of this essay, I will share some ways to stop saying “I’m sorry” if you aren’t apologizing. By the way, all cited articles’ links and links to research I used are at the end of this essay.
John Hall writes, “Saying 'I’m sorry,’ especially when you’re not at fault, is an automatic reaction — and chances are you’ve probably said it a handful of times this week.
According to a 2015 poll from research firm YouGov, there are approximately 15 British “sorries” for every 10 American ones (for situations like if they sneezed, stood in someone’s way or corrected someone who is wrong). The survey, which polled 1,600 British people and 1,000 Americans, showed a few similarities: 73% of British people would apologize for interrupting someone, compared to the 71% of Americans. And when doing a favor for someone but getting it wrong, 60% of British people said they’d apologize, compared to the 58% of Americans” (qtd. in www.cnbc.com). This article is an eye-opener about how prevalent it is to overuse this phrase.
“I’m sorry” is often said as a ‘throwaway’ or ‘empty’ phrase, one that is not genuine or does not serve a specific purpose. Here are other examples of throwaway words/phrases: starting off a sentence with “Well," “Well now," “In today’s society/In today’s world.” Using the word “basically” is usually a throwaway/empty word. These words/phrases weaken our communications. Over apologizing or tossing out an “I’m sorry” will be viewed as weak, unconvincing, manipulative, or unconscious. Why is that?
While you may think you are being ‘nice’ to say, “I’m sorry,” if you use the phrase in a way that isn’t called for in the situation, usually you are unconsciously tossing out the phrase without thinking. Lindsay Dodgson makes these key points in her article, “Why 'sorry' can be a toxic word — and what to say instead”,
“ Apologising is a powerful thing when it's appropriate, but many people fall into the bad habit of apologising for simply existing.
It may be because of an early trauma or abusive relationship.
By excessively apologising, you can let people walk all over you.
Unless you've hurt or disrespected someone, there are alternatives to "sorry" that you can try” (www.insider.com).
Sharon Martin echos these points in her article, “Why You Over-Apologize and How to Stop.” Ms. Martin demonstrates with some relatable examples: “Over-apologizing refers to saying ‘I’m sorry’ when you don’t need to. This could be when you haven’t done anything wrong or you’re taking responsibility for someone else’s mistake or a problem that you didn’t cause or control.
Here are a few examples of over-apologizing.
The waiter brings you the wrong order and you say, “I’m sorry but this isn’t what I ordered.”
You approach the receptionists at your doctor’s office by saying, “I’m sorry to bother you. I have a question.”
While checking out at the supermarket, the cashier accidentally breaks your eggs and sends someone to get another carton for you. You apologize to the shoppers behind you in line, “I’m sorry it’s taking so long.”
Your spouse makes a racist joke. “I’m sorry. S/he’s not usually like this,” you say to your friends.
You’re in a meeting and say, “I’m sorry. I didn’t hear you. Could you repeat what you just said?”(www.livewellwithsharonmartin.com).
Ms. Martin suggests that over-apologizing stems from,
“ People-pleasing. You want to be considered nice and polite. You’re overly concerned with what other people think and don’t want to upset or disappoint others.
Low self-esteem. You think poorly of yourself and as a result, you worry that you’re doing something wrong, being difficult, causing problems, being unreasonable, asking too much.
Perfectionism. You have such painfully high standards for yourself that you can never live up to them. Therefore, you constantly feel inadequate and feel a need to apologize for every tiny thing that you do imperfectly.
You feel uncomfortable. Sometimes, we apologize because we feel uncomfortable or insecure and don’t know what to do or say. So, we apologize to try to make ourselves or others feel better.
You feel responsible for other people’s mistakes or inappropriate behavior. One member of a couple, for example, may apologize for their partner’s behavior (being late or interrupting) as if they did something wrong themselves. This can be an issue of lack of differentiation – you act as a unit instead of as two separate people. Just because you’re dating or married to someone, doesn’t make you responsible for their actions. And taking ownership and apologizing for them, actually enables their problematic behavior because you’ve let them off the hook.
It’s a bad habit. If you’ve been over-apologizing or listening to others over-apologize for a long time, you may be doing it unconsciously. It’s become an automatic response that you do without thinking about it” (www.livewellwithsharonmartin.com).
These are great reminders that we aren’t always aware of automatic responses. For me, it’s a matter of family and cultural communications patterns that need to be eliminated so that when I need to apologize, the phrase carries meaning and not simply toss out “I’m sorry” indiscriminately.
Adrienne Smith, a friend and Reiki Master, shares her take on this topic: “An apology, saying ‘I’m sorry,' can be a thing of healing. It can mend bridges and sooth a hurt. We know this. But, the use and overuse of ‘I’m sorry’ in our conversations point to a thinly buried wound…the long held, ingrained belief that we, especially women, are Not Enough, and we need to apologize for it. An apology is, by definition, the ‘expression of regret for something that one has done wrong’ [not attributed]. And, we apologize for everything. For giving our opinion. For showing emotion. For laughing. For crying. For being smart. For not knowing enough. For speaking, for being silent, for being too big, too small, for helping, for being too helpful…for simply BEING. For Millennia, we have been told to be quiet, sit down, be more, be less, be something, anything other than what we are. It’s time to stop being sorry for BEING.”
Ms. Smith’s words resonate with me. With you too? So how can we stop the epidemic of over-apologizing and saying “I’m sorry” at inappropriate times? Here are a few suggestions:
Be aware. We cannot change what we do not recognize.
Reinforce communication change by hesitating and correcting. When I let slip an “I’m sorry” when it’s not appropriate, I immediately state, “No, I’m not sorry” and then I state what I need to say. For example, if a friend drops her phone while we are having lunch, rather than saying, “Oh, I’m sorry," I’ll say something like this, “Oh dear! I’ve done that before and hope the screen isn’t cracked.”
Change communications behavior by making it a little painful each time you let loose “I’m sorry” inappropriately. For example, when I use this throwaway phrase unconsciously, I toss a quarter into my saving up for a trip jar. That’s a little painful reminder to alter my behavior and it helps me put aside money to travel.
Keep a number list of the times a day you have said this phrase in a manner that does not accompany an apology. Then, start the next day aware of it to minimize the occurrences.
Below are sources I read to prepare this essay. I thought you may enjoy reading more on the topic. Next week’s essay will feature generational conflict and ways to embrace others without judgment and with respect.
Sources Used
https://www.cnbc.com/2019/04/16/saying-im-sorry-can-make-people-think-poorly-of-you-research-heres-what-successful-people-do-instead.html
https://www.insider.com/sorry-can-be-a-toxic-word-2018-6#:~:text=Some%20say%20sorry%20because%20they,%2C%22%20she%20told%20Business%20Insider.
https://www.livewellwithsharonmartin.com/why-you-over-apologize-and-how-to-stop/#:~:text=Over%2Dapologizing%20dilutes%20your%20apologies,space%2C%20for%20your%20mere%20existence.
https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/what-im-sorry-means-when-its-used-to-manipulate-you/
https://www.fastcompany.com/90562093/a-chronic-apologizer-this-is-why-constantly-saying-im-sorry-sets-you-back
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/trust-yourself/202110/how-stop-over-apologizing
https://hbr.org/2016/11/the-4-types-of-ineffective-apologies
https://www.nbcnews.com/better/pop-culture/how-stop-saying-i-m-sorry-all-time-what-say-ncna917011
https://ideapod.com/according-to-experts-saying-im-sorry-makes-you-look-bad-heres-what-successful-people-do-instead/
“Over-apologizing is a common symptom amongst individuals with low self-esteem, fear of conflict and a fear of what others think. This goes hand in hand with poor boundaries, perhaps accepting blame for things we didn't do or couldn't control” (not attributed).
