Two weeks ago, I read a couple of articles on Instagram saying much the same thing: that parents, mostly mothers, are the reason for the rise in how many adult children have pulled away and don’t have anything to do with their parents. I posted this short response: “Estrangement is not always the parents’ fault.” You cannot imagine the venom that was spewed on me for pointing out this fact! Here are a few of the responses I got [typed with the exact wording and spelling as was posted in their responses, and please parden the crude language used]:
“It is quite literally ur responsibility wtf”
“Just because you THINK you’re gods given gift of mothering do not make it true. U stupid c---”
“An opinion that is wrong and paints you as the victim to a literal child.”
“ being a parent is a responsibility, not an honor. fu”
“stfu”
“no, it’s the parents fault. Every time. My father beat me…[and so on] YOU ARE the reason your children don’t talk to you. YOU ARE the reason your children don’t come around.”
“stop not taking accountability for the things you put your kids through. Your a MF who deserves what you get!”
“Stop blaming kids for the abuse they never asked by YOU parents.”
“Your a f-ing retard”
“Youre shitty mom”
OUCH! And, those were the mild ones posted. While there were a few that agreed that the fault is not always the parents why their children are estranged, they, too, were attacked on social media for this agreement. Why are so many people, once they are adults, blame others, especially parents, for their unhappy, angry lives? Why are so many in the previous generations blaming the younger generations for the downfall of the civilization?
I would not be honest if I didn’t confess that I have also blamed my parents for aspects in my life. After the beating I took on social media, I saw how vile the generational conflicts can be and will actively purge my part in participating in the Blame Game. The Blame Game of a younger generation blaming the previous generations for their lack of financial stability, for their lack of opportunities, for everything wrong in their lives has been going on for centuries. In his article, “Generational Blame: A Brief History,” published on January 8, 2024, Arapahoe Tim shares the following “The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. Children are now tyrants, not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize their teachers” (qtd. in https://arapahoelibraries.org/blogs/post/generational-blame-a-brief-history/). This quote is from Socrates who lived from 470 BC-399 BC. The article continues a timeline of similar quotes from the older generation’s perspectives on the younger generation’s perspective. This pattern is well-entrenched in humanity.
The author continues, “The phenomenon of adults blaming the younger generation is a recurring, and exhausting, theme throughout history, reflecting the perennial generation gap and societal changes. From the ancient Greeks lamenting the perceived moral decay among youth to the countercultural clashes of the 1960s, each era witnesses elders expressing concerns about the values and behaviors of their successors. Often rooted in a combination of nostalgia for the past and a resistance to change, this intergenerational tension manifests in critiques of everything from fashion and music to technology and work ethic. While the criticisms may vary, the pattern remains consistent—a cycle of generational blame that is both a reflection of cultural evolution and a reminder of the challenges inherent in bridging the gap between different phases of life and societal progress” (https://arapahoelibraries.org/blogs/post/generational-blame-a-brief-history/). How many of you have blamed your parents and have also been blamed by older generations?
As the responses to the fact I posted on social media proves, it goes both ways: the younger generations blame the older generations too. And, that, too, is historical. In another article, “Why we keep playing the Generation Blame Game … and why we need to stop,” the author points out, “Successive generations’ healthy disregard of the previous generation’s tastes, habits and customs is a necessary ingredient of human progress. But there is something about the current carving up of the population into ever smaller generational slices of entitlement and opprobrium – from baby boomers and Generation X to millennials and Generation Z – that borders on unhealthy obsession. Part of this is a growing awareness of a ‘shift in the demographic map’ (qtd. in https://theconversation.com/why-we-keep-playing-the-generation-blame-game-and-why-we-need-to-stop-82219). The author continues to describe the ‘generational war’: “If the generation blame game masks difference, it also masks how overlapping experiences can act as the basis for intergenerational solidarity and resistance. As US cultural critic Margaret Morganroth Gullette observed, throughout the 1990s, a contrived war between baby boomers and the following Generation Xers, born in the 1960s and 1970s, was waged in media and political discussions. In this war of words, younger US citizens were taught that they should no longer expect the pay and rewards that the bloated and selfish baby boom generation had.
The shattering of the American Dream to accumulate wealth over a lifetime happened under the cover of generational injustice. It wasn’t blamed on economics or politics, but on older people. And the same talk of a ‘war’ is now happening between millennials and baby boomers” (qtd. in https://theconversation.com/why-we-keep-playing-the-generation-blame-game-and-why-we-need-to-stop-82219).
Yes, there are valid reasons to distance yourself from parents who profoundly abused you. And, there are well-grounded causes for parents severing relationships with their adult children for abuse they imposed on their parents. I’m not a believer in, “Oh, they’re your parents; you need to forgive them and reconnect.” Similarly, I’m not in favor of, “Oh, they’re your children and you need to do everything you can to forgive them and reconnect.” Sometimes, estrangement is healthier. Forgiveness is not required.
How do we break the pattern of generational blaming? Britney Page’s article, “5 Ways to Break Generational Patterns & Create A New Legacy,” gives us some excellent ideas:
“Generational patterns are personality traits that are inherited from parent to child. This can also span to education and career choices. Although some are positive, patterns can also be negative, which may result in toxic relationships and habits.
There is a silver lining: Negative generational patterns CAN BE BROKEN! However, it will not happen overnight. Here are 5 things that you can do to break those patterns and create your NEW legacy:
1. Become Self-Aware of Destructive Patterns
As you grow and develop in life, you begin to recognize patterns in your family that cause discourse or conflict. These patterns can range from communication to conflict resolution and parenting. Yes, these patterns are your ‘norm,’ but there is a little voice in your head telling you ‘That’s not right.’ At this point, you cannot sit and do nothing, you must intervene...but how?
2. Ask About your Family History
Every pattern has an origin. Start by asking your parents or closest relatives how they inherited these patterns. Take note of how they justified the continued use of these patterns. Many times, the reason is ‘if it’s not broke, don’t fix it.’ Sure, those patterns may have produced positive results, but at what cost mentally and emotionally? Weighing out the pros and cons of each pattern will help you to determine if the pattern is worth continuing in the future.
3. Take Accountability
Once you can identify the negative generational patterns, it’s time to do some self-evaluation. What have you done in your life that has contributed to the continuation of the generational patterns? Maybe you were unable to recognize the negative patterns at the time, or you recognized them and ignored it. Taking accountability within yourself must happen before giving accountability to others. Even though the negative pattern did not start with you, it can stop with you.
4. Work to Break the Pattern
Change is not easy. Typically, it can take at least 30 days (about 4 and a half weeks) before your new pattern is established. Consistency is key. Here are some steps to breaking negative generational patterns:
* Recognize the negative pattern - Identify patterns that need to change
* Address the pattern - State why there is a need for change
* Create a positive pattern – Determine an alternative pattern that can counter the negative pattern
* Reenforce change – Practice utilizing the new pattern consistently through modeling and positive reinforcement
5. Seek Professional Help if Needed
Changing patterns in your family includes changing patterns within yourself. The goal of breaking generational patterns may provoke thoughts and feelings that you may not have had before. This may be too much for you to process alone. Seeking help from a professional gives you an additional means of support as you progress in your goal of positive change.
Being the first to achieve something can bring a lot of challenges. Just remember, it is not a race, it is a marathon! The reward of your hard work will show in the healthy, positive family dynamics that YOU create. Let’s build a new legacy!” (https://wefixbrains.com/resources/5-ways-to-break-generational-patterns-create-a-new-legacy)
What are some ways we can stop playing the Blame Game?
Here are some of my thoughts:
Look at myself in the mirror - In other words, take responsibility for my own life now that I’m an adult. Honestly look at how I have blamed my parents and older generations for trauma and difficulties in life. And, candidly look at how I may have blamed younger generations. The first step is self-awareness. I admit I’ve done both kinds of blaming and I commit to shifting my perspective to do my part to end the generational war.
Identify what factors influenced my parenting - As much as I said I didn’t want to do it, it was easy to fall in lock-step with how I was parented. What worked in my parents’ generation, didn’t work in my generation. I had lots of deconstruction to do to be a better parent, and even though my daughter is an adult, I still have to work on our relationship to make it healthy.
Assess how my parenting missed the mark and apologize to my daughter -I’ve been doing this over the years; it’s hard and it’s absolutely essential. And, it has to be done without expecting reciprocation or forgiveness because I might not get it. It’s all on me to take the responsibility for the ways I failed in my role as a parent.
Catch myself before I dis the younger generations - The world the younger generations is navigating is as far from what I experienced as it is from the Earth to the Milky Way! In some ways, they have it easier; in many ways, they have it much more difficult.
Develop friends of all generations - I gain perspective by developing multi-generational friendships.
Ignore the slurs and don’t live the slurs - When I hear, “Okay, Boomer,” it hurts because of the anger and bitterness that underlies that phrase, especially when I’ve done nothing to incite it. Still, I don’t have to react. When I’m called a “Karen” for no reason, it hurts because of the assumption that my age or how I wear my hair makes me a shrew. I don’t have to react. I can shake it off, let it go. My behavior can prove the haters wrong.
We have been so divided and this is the perfect time to drop our scathing criticism of each other. We need each other to live healthily, effectively. What are ways you can stop participating in the generational war?
Please share your thoughts and insights by either commenting below this post if you are reading this on social media, or, if you are reading this through your email subscription, please share, by emailing me, at reimaginelife22@gmail.com. Thank you for reading and participating in this blog essay; I invite you to subscribe to my blog at www.reimaginelifecoach.com.
