What's Your Body Saying?

Happy 2024, everyone!  I’ll bet you spent a lot of time during the holidays communicating with friends and family.  While you were using your verbal words to convey your thoughts, you were also using your body and your vocal tone to respond, react, and to get your points across.  How does your body speak?

My guess is that you have had someone tell you how to ‘read people.’  Yes? How accurate was their information?  For example, I had heard that you can tell someone is lying if they look away when they talk with you. That’s a myth.  Some of the “facts” about reading people by observing their body language are myths.  Still, being able to ‘read people,’ is a tool to build relationship with someone or to decide you don’t want to have a relationship with someone. How important is it that we recognize and interpret body language in others and to adjust our body language?

According to best-selling author and people coach, Vanessa Van Edwards, “Body language is the closest thing to mindreading and a skill ANYONE can learn” (https://www.scienceofpeople.com/body-language-important/). Ms. Van Edwards and her research team at The Science of People dove deep into the question: How important is body language?  Here’s some of what they discovered: “Before we go any further, I want to give you an honest disclaimer. Once you know the secrets of body language, you start seeing the ‘dark’ side of people. You might find consistent closed signals from someone you thought was your ‘friend.’  You might find contempt signs from your partner who’s fed up and wants to move on. You might see a coworker leak a subtle happy microexpression when they find out you’re leaving. In all these cases, you might feel hurt.  On the bright side, becoming a body language expert will bring out your untapped abilities to maximize ANY social encounter you’re in. Body language is like an iceberg…[research confirms] 90% of what is unsaid lies underneath the surface. Essentially, you’ll know the 90% of what lies beneath the iceberg in ANY social encounter” (https://www.scienceofpeople.com/body-language-important/).

What are some myths about body language?  In an article published on LinkedIn, the authors identify and debunk six common myths:

“Myth 1: Crossed arms mean defensiveness.

Myth 2: Eye contact means honesty.

Myth 3: Smiling means happiness.

Myth 4: Nodding means understanding.

Myth 5: Gestures mean enthusiasm.

Myth 6: Posture means confidence” (https://www.linkedin.com/advice/3/what-most-common-body-language-myths-can-ruin-your-presentation).  I encourage you to open the link to read the article; it’s eye-opening.

Two authors, whom I consider experts in the field, share valuable insights, observations, and tips on how to manage your own body language to convey what you want to communicate and how to interpret the body language of others.  Vanessa Van Edwards in her books, Human Lie Detection & Body Language 101, Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People, and Cues: Master the Secret of Charismatic Communication and in her pricy, but worth it, People School offered online through her website are superb tutorials that include lots of ‘freebies’, tools to help you learn.  I have read all of her books and participated in her People School; through her tutoring, I have gained useful approaches to interpreting people, working with others, and managing my own body language.

The other author whose work, in observing and interpreting body language, I admire and suggest to others is Joe Navarro, a former FBI agent and bestselling author.  His book, What Every Body is Saying, is full of beneficial information from the perspective of someone who had to develop keen body language awareness skills to catch the ‘bad guys.’

Even if you have RBF (Resting Bothered Face), you will still convey some aspects of how you are responding / reacting to others through your body language.  Ms. Van Edwards shares,

“1. Reading body language is a super skill.  Superman has super strength, the Flash can run thousands of miles per hour, and Aquaman can breathe underwater. But if there’s any superpower we have, it’s reading body language. And it’s not quite a superpower. I prefer to call reading body language a SuperSkill, because it is a skill we can all learn. Now the truth is, ANYONE can learn to read body language. Even the old granny who can’t see well (hint: body language exists in vocal variations, too).

2. Nonverbals are More Important than Words. You may have heard something like, ’93% of communication is nonverbal!’ However, this number is wrong and outdated.  Famous silent characters like Charles Chaplin, Silent Bob, Teller from Penn & Teller, Wall-E, and Courage the Cowardly Dog can portray the entire human spectrum of emotion—and tell compelling stories from their nonverbals—without having to use words at all.

So while there might not be a real percentage, we do know that nonverbal behaviors tell a much more comprehensive story than words do.  Now, most people can carefully choose their words, but they can’t choose their body language (unless they’re a politician, that is).  There are only 3 situations where people really pay attention to their body language:

* when they’re trying to get away with something

* when being filmed or in front of an audience, and

* when they’re trying to impress others, such as a cocktail party or date

Most of the time, people aren’t aware they’re giving away cues that show their true feelings.  In fact, a lot of body language cues are genetic or inherited. And they become automatic responses to stress or the environment.  With body language knowledge, you can assume that the woman is attracted to the guy, the business man is excited about a deal, and the guy on his laptop is nervous about something.  This much info speaks volumes—all without them uttering a single word!

3. Develop a “6th Sense” In Your Interactions. Have you ever asked someone how their day was, and they say something like, ‘It was great!’ But then you see their fatigued eyes as they literally drag their feet to walk past you? This might be a dangerous sign of toxic positivity, but more importantly it’s something that even the most oblivious person can catch on to.  Body language analysis works for almost every situation you will find yourself in, regardless of who you’re talking to. There are even universal body language cues that are found across cultures, and even in the most remote of tribes.

However, most people don’t pick up on these cues, even though the other person displays them in plain sight. Traditional schools don’t teach you body language, either. That’s why learning body language is like unlocking your 6th sense of intuition.

With body language skills, these ‘subtle displays’ become obvious. You’ll be shocked how you’ll instinctively know someone is angry by observing their nostrils flare, cheeks turn pale, and torso shift away slightly, while your clueless friend turns to you and says, ‘I have a strange feeling about him, but I don’t know why’” (https://www.scienceofpeople.com/body-language-important/#).

While I am intuitive and have a keen sense of observation, I needed to learn how to more accurately interpret body language, nonverbal communication, and vocal cues.  And, I needed to learn how to strengthen my body language so that it matches my intent and to learn how to “people” with others - form satisfying relationships. Unfortunately, they don’t teach that in school - and they should - and, I didn’t get good modeling in my home for how to “people” well with others.  I read the books and attended People School to learn to “people” using the skills share by these superb teachers.  If you are interested in People School, I highly recommend it.  Here’s an overview of People School from Vanessa Van Edwards: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r6rtR6y9zuY.

In 2024, we could all make this year, the Year of People, communicating well - verbally and nonverbally.  It’s an auspicious year because it’s an election year in the USA for my United States’ readers to learn how people / politicians use body language and their choice of words to sway, manipulate, lie to, throw shade, or inspire others.  When you learn to interpret body language, using a variety of cues, you become an acute observer and a more informed voter.  You see clearly the politicians who are lying.  Being able to spot liars and to spot honest people is a great super skill to have!

Please share your thoughts and insights by either commenting below this post if you are reading this on social media, or, if you are reading this through your email subscription, please share, by emailing me, at reimaginelife22@gmail.com.

Thank you for reading and participating in this blog essay; I invite you to subscribe to my blog at www.reimaginelifecoach.com.  Happy people reading!