Eleanor Rosevelt quipped, “Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, but, beautiful old people are works of art” (https://www.thinkadvisor.com). And, comedian, George Burns reminds us, “You can’t help getting older, but, you don’t have to get old” (https://www.thinkadvisor.com). Are you old enough to remember this piece of advice: “Never trust anyone over 30” (https://www.berkeleydailyplanet.com/issue/2000-04-06/article/759)? Aging sneaks up on all of us; sometimes we are shocked by that ‘old man’ or ‘old woman’ in the mirror. Sometimes we are angry that our youthful looks and vitality have slipped away. Sometimes, we like ourselves so much more as we age.
Last week's blog essay, the first in the series on What to Expect While Aging, focused on the changes that take place during the aging process. This week, we will look at what people older people have to say about their aging. To prepare to write this blog essay, I conducted informal research by asking people who are over 55 years old the following questions: What have you noticed about how you’re aging. How does it affect you physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually ? What are the pros/cons of aging, from your perspective? Here are the responses:
Male, late 60s: “Aging stinks. Then again NOT aging REALLY stinks!”
Female, late 60s: “As Jimmy Buffet sang, ‘I stay contented most of the time.’ I loved my career; however, I love retirement and no longer feeling stressed. I regularly workout and feel pretty good, but I’ve certainly noticed that I don’t have the same amount of energy as I did. I love having time to read and spend lots of time with my family and friends. I don’t like wrinkles.”
Female, 70s: “I have always had high energy and stamina levels. Between the natural aging process and [having] long COVID…I have neither high energy or stamina. I have had to learn to live with lower expectations for myself. It ticks me off sometimes. I do 1/2 as much in twice the time. And [I have a] bum leg…it holds me back. Wearing a leg sleeve, supportive shoes (no more Crocs), pacing myself helps. I truly miss my knees! Vision…ain’t what it used to be? Waiting for my slowing developing cataracts to ‘mature’ so they can be corrected. I still have descent hearing and taste. My smell is still extremely sensitive. Cognitive abilities…still holding up. How we age…seems to be a combination of genetics, good luck, and emotional attitude. More and more scientific information is supporting the value of positive attitudes on our well being. My sister, who has lived with leukemia for almost 3 decades, believes you can lie to your brain, but you can’t lie to your body. The body will rebel and break down. Then you will be forced to get the needed rest your body craves.”
Male, 84 years old: “1. Memories become more significant. 2. So do routines. It’s helpful [not to] have to think through certain activities every few hours. Like, in a zip, I can gather equipment and supplies for a mountain hike. 3. I’ve noticed that my hiking speeds have slowed down. This is not related to heart or lung issues; it’s just that the legs just don’t want to move 3 mph any more and I am more cautious walking down hill over rocks and roots. 4. Some meditations put a hitch in some activities, so I have to think through and build more into routines like preparing breakfast and readying for bed. 5. Crowds, like a large dinner, have become intolerable. I absent myself from rooms where a dozen people are talking over one another and a couple of them are using their outside voices. Be ready to deal with sleep. In my 70s, insomnia began to creep in and in my 80s required help from my pharmacist.”
Female, 64 years old: “When I turned 60, I started noticing the changes more than before. I sleep great! During the day, my physical activity has lessened due to more difficulty with physical aging (less limber, tire earlier, body aches). Mentally, this last year, I have definitely noticed more difficulty with memory-short term mainly. I remain predominantly positive - thankful I can do the things I love to do…just takes me a little more time! I have a positive outlook.”
Female, 50s: “I plan like I’m still in my twenties or thirties and have expectations that my abilities are still the same. It takes longer to complete tasks. It’s ‘bitter sweet’ to age. I’m proud of the wisdom and experiences I have been blessed with and, at times, really miss the you, physical me. Through it all, I have a deeper appreciation for life, the big things, and small things that really make it rich and amazing.”
Male, early 90s: “ I never thought old age would be like this. I expected to remain mobile and strong all my life. I assumed I would not need to take 15 pills a day like I do now. I thought I’d be unusual and would still be able to drive and be independent all my life. I was an active deacon in my church for over six decades and I enjoyed serving. Then, one day, I got a letter from the head of the deacons thanking me for my service and letting me know I am now a ‘deacon emeritus’ - in other words, they put me ‘out to pasture.’ That hurt. And, now my children will not let me drive or get onto a step stool or ladder. I guess I'm angry at everyone and everything now days.”
Male, early 60s: “My coworkers keep asking me when I’m going to retire. I still have a lot to contribute on the job, but, the younger colleagues seem to see my continuing to work - and, I plan to keep working until I’m 75 - is hurting their chances to move up in the company, which isn’t true. What’s surprised me the most is looking older and having to pee all of the time! Urinary incontinence is bothersome and embarrassing. I work out every week day and still have good muscle mass and stamina. Still, at the gym, I look like an old man next to these 20-somethings. And, recently, I was out to dinner with my wife, who is 45, and a couple walked by our table and commented on how nice it was to see a father and daughter out. I almost looked around to see who they were talking about. Then, I realized it was us! I was so distraught that I asked the waiter to box up our dinners to take home. My wife tried to cheer me up, but, I was in a funk for days. I had no idea I came off as so old.”
Female, late 60s: “I feel even more strong and confident at my age. I finally stopped coloring my hair and let the salt & pepper gray come in. That was a very difficult decision. Perhaps, I look older, but, not my age. And, I don’t care! I’m happy with who I am.”
Did you notice how many people mentioned they did not expect to experience profound aging? They never expected they would fall apart physically, mentally. Jacques Fresco shares wisdom: “It’s your own expectations that hurt you. Not the world you live in. Whatever happens in the world is real. What you think should happen is unreal. So people are hurt by their expectations. You know , you’re not disappointed by the world, you are disappointed by your own projections” (https://www.thinkadvisor.com). In the article entitled, “Robbed Of Happiness? Stuck Between Reality And Expectations?”, the author paraphrases The Buddha, “Cause of happiness: reality exceeds expectation. Cause of unhappiness: reality falls short of expectation” (qtd. in https://www.thewellnesscorner.com/blog/ways-to-break-the-reality-vs-expectations-trap).
In her article, “The Expectations vs. Reality Trap,” Dr. Elizabeth Scott points out, “Expectations are what we think will happen, while reality is what actually transpires. While we hope these two will match up, they often don't. This disparity of expectations vs. reality can often lead to feelings of discontentment and unhappiness. Expectations refer to the beliefs that you hold about the outcomes of events. While these expectations can play an important role in determining what happens and can contribute to goal-directed behavior, they can also lead to disappointment when reality does not match up to what you had hoped would happen.
Some of the common signs that you might hold expectations include:
* Anticipating a certain outcome
* Holding a vision in your mind of how things will play out
* Having a set idea of what you want or need from a situation
When expectations are not met, it can lead to feelings of disappointment, frustration, and even anger. In some cases, people might become so attached to their expectations that they are unable to see the reality of a situation. This can prevent them from taking action or making decisions that would be in their best interest.
The Charles Dickens novel Great Expectations lays out the problem with expectations. The main character, Pip, inherits money from a secret benefactor. He views this fortune as a stepping stone to marrying the girl of his dreams. When he ultimately learns that the money was not necessarily part of that larger plan, he realizes that he had taken for granted so many important relationships and gifts in his life. His expectations had robbed him of fully appreciating his reality”. (qtd. in https://www.verywellmind.com/expectation-vs-reality-trap-4570968).
Once, my aunt and uncle told my parents that, because my parents’ children both lived far away from them, they would take care of my parents in their old age. My aunt, uncle, and parents were all in their 80s at the time. My aunt and uncle expected not to have any issues as they aged and they assumed my parents would have difficulty aging. As it turned out, my aunt and uncle have both passed on after having had lots of difficulties in their old age, and my parents, in their 90s, are still alive. Unrealistic expectations about our aging will leave us angry, disappointed, and lacking joy. My parents are resistant to using walkers to help them with their mobility because they never thought they would be struggle with getting around. That was an unrealistic expectation too.
So, how do we manage our expectations about the aging process? Here are some suggestions from Dr. Elizabeth Scott:
“Become Aware of Your Expectations
Start by assessing your expectations in a situation. If you'd like to get out of the expectations vs. reality trap, it all comes down to awareness. Becoming aware of what you are expecting is a great start. Becoming aware of what you "should" be expecting is also a wise idea.
* When you go into a new situation, ask yourself what you expect to happen.
* Ask yourself if your expectations should be this way. Where did these expectations come from and are they realistic?
* When you feel disappointed, try to think about whether it was realistic to expect what you were hoping for. (If so, make a plan for getting what you want next time. If not, think about how you could manage your expectations.)
Practice Gratitude
When you find that what is happening is not what you expected, actively look for the positives in what you have. You may find that once you get over the disappointment, you have something you didn't initially realize you wanted. This helps you to be more appreciative of what you have. Spend a few moments each day thinking about something you are grateful for. Or consider writing in a gratitude journal.
Don't Make Comparisons
When you see others' posts on social media and decide that you want what you see, remind yourself that this may not be reality. It's great to know what direction you want things to go in, but don't forget that what you see isn't necessarily what others are actually living. The only person you should be competing with is you.
Consider What Really Makes You Happy
You may be overestimating how happy you would be once you have what you think you want. For instance, if you work a job you hate to save enough to buy an expensive car or nice clothes, you may find that your happiness is not very long-lasting. Truly savor what you have. It's okay to want more, but you can enjoy life so much more if you appreciate what you already have. Savoring what you have is a great way to expand the joy you experience in life.
Practice Emotional Acceptance
Don't beat yourself up for feeling disappointed. Instead of trying to deny or suppress negative emotions like disappointment or jealousy, work on accepting these emotions as they are” (qtd. in https://www.verywellmind.com/expectation-vs-reality-trap-4570968).
What are your thoughts on aging? Do you think you may have some unrealistic expectations about how you will go through the aging process? Thank you for reading this blog essay; if you read this on social media, please type your comments below. Or, if you read this in your subscription, please share your thoughts in an email to me at reimaginelife22@gmail.com.
Stay tuned for next week’s blog essay that is Part III of the series, What to Expect While Aging. In that essay, I’ll share my personal aging journey as either inspiration or as a cautionary tale.
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