[Me in my late 40s]
[Me at 67]
Aging well is not for unconscious people. Aging well is purposeful. Aging well may be the luck of your DNA, your karma, your health, your race, your culture, your ethnicity, how you exercise your body and mind, how you manage stress, your work and other responsibilities, and your environment.
The last two blog essays I’ve written and posted have talked about aging - what changes may take place during the aging process and about what various responders, who are 55 or older, answered my survey on how they view aging and about how expectations vs. reality play out while aging. This week’s essay is personal. As a 67 year old woman, I share some of my aging process in this week’s essay and in another one in two weeks. Disclaimer: I will be straightforward and report only on my experience, from a woman’s perspective, from my personal viewpoint. And, I caution you not to feel aging is hopeless. You may age smoothly or not. It simply is what it is.
As I prepared to write this, I generated a list of aspects of aging to address:
hair
skin/wrinkles and ‘dimpling’/ fat rolls
makeup
memory/mental sharpness
muscle tone / weight gain
eyes and ears
voice quality
balance / mobility
attitude / personality
sexuality / dating / relationships
examining one’s core values/beliefs
digestive issues
urinary incontinence
taste
medicines
self-awareness
agism
caring for elderly parents while you are aging yourself
clothing and footwear
medicare / Social Security
This week, I’m talking about a few of these items - the ones underlined - and will address the others in another blog post.
One of the first aging aspects I noticed started in my late forties. While I have never been a ‘beauty,' I had a tidy, youthful appearance and was used to getting a second look. One day, when I was out with my pre-teen daughter, I observed a group of older teenaged boys obviously staring at my daughter, not me. It was as though I was invisible. That marked a turning point when I didn’t turn heads as often as I used to. Up to that time in life, I led my life from my confidence and how I dressed to impress. After that, I learned to lead with my confident personality and other less surface aspects.
Next, I started experiencing agism in the work arena. You cannot complete an application for a job or leave dates off of a resume’ without people questioning it. I was clearly more experienced and more highly educated than younger people who had applied for the same job or promotion; and yet, advancement opportunities went to younger people with less work experience and far less education dues paid. I could have chalked it up to ‘the best qualified got the job over me,' but that simply was not true. Agism is alive and well in American culture and is quietly insidious. Because of the pressure for women to look younger if they are ambitious, I colored my hair and wore younger fashions. It may have worked for a while, but, agism is a constant threat.
For years, I colored my hair to look young and vibrant, to hide the aging process; I wore a hairstyle that was chic, funky, and young. Now that I’m retired from working for other people, I see the folly in trying to keep up the appearance of youth while asserting the experience the years have given me. A few years ago, I attended a funeral of an old family friend who was in her 90s when she passed away. There she was in the casket with perfectly bleached blonde hair. No one in her 90s has natural blond hair. About coloring your hair as you age, it’s your right to color or not color. Do what makes you feel good; that’s all that counts. Just know, after you turn 60, you aren’t fooling anyone. I now embrace the silver and the salt & pepper tresses. And, I no longer go for complicated or high maintenance hairdos and hair color. If I want to add purple highlights, I’ll do it as a temporary color option, but, I’m done with coloring.
Not only does hair color turn to gray/silver/white, the texture may change as you age. I feel fortunate to still have lots of hair. While it’s still mostly straight, I have more fly-aways that I used to and I have to use high quality shampoo/conditioner/products to keep my hair looking healthy. No more cheap, harsh shampoos! I use a purple pigmented shampoo and conditioner to tone down yellowy-gray cast that can sometimes show up. And, I either cover my hair when I’m at the beach, by the pool or I spritz it with a combination of conditioner and water as a ‘sunscreen.’ My hair still has lots of oils in it and I don’t over-brush it to avoid breakage. An advantage of going silver now is that it has finally become a symbol of confidence. Other contemporaries have told me their hair is thinning and too wild to control. So, not everyone’s hair texture remains close to how it was when we are younger. Remember, hair isn't your 'crowning glory'; it's only hair. If you lose your hair or it thins, it will be okay; you will find ways to deal with it. I've seen lots of women now sporting the beautiful bald-headed look. If I lose my hair down the road, so what? I am not my hair. I am so much more, and so are you.
Clothing colors, styles, and make up I used to wear don’t always work when I have gotten older. Now that I have silver hair, I look better, healthier if I stick only to colors that complement my skin tone, eye color, and hair color. In 1980, Carole Jackson’s book, Color Me Beautiful, was published and instantly became a wildly popular New York Times bestseller, selling over 13 million copies. The premise to the color system is used upon skin tone and hair color categorized by the four seasons. The process of determining ‘your colors’ involved draping different color fabrics near your washed, unmade up face and neck to see which ones made you look bright and which ones accentuated dark circle under eyes and made you look ashen and sallow. As it turned out, I was clearly a Winter. When I was blonde, I didn’t have to stick closely to my Winter color palette to look bright. But, as I got older and certainly after I chose to welcome silver hair, I learned how much better I looked when I limit the colors to the ones that truly complement my skin tone and hair. Now, there are lots of books out and quizzes online to analyze what colors work best with your skin tone and hair color. And, there are color consultants who, for a fee, will help you analyze what colors look best on you and can provide you with a color pallet of swatches to take with you when you are shopping for clothing and accessories. While it may be a little pricy to meet with a consultant, it’s worth it because you won’t buy items that aren’t for you; it saves you time and money. For example, currently, there are lots of clothes for sale that are hot pink, black, white, emerald green, cobalt blue, purple. Those are my colors! So, I buy up items now in those colors before the fickle nature of fashion turns to orange, rust, brown, mustard, yellow-green, olive green, and muted colors - all ones that, if I wore them, would make you think I was sick! Those colors look amazing on my friends Holly, Gena, and Gina because their skin tone and hair color is in the Autumn palette. Here is a website to find a local color consultant: https://houseofcolour.com if you’d like to get your ‘colors done.’
My personal style has changed too. I had gravitated to cute, shorter, body conscious clothing when I wasn’t at work, crisp suits and high heels when I was working. Now, all of the suits are gone except for one hot pink pants suit that is one of my colors and can be dressed up or worn casual. I live in jeans, shorts, boho pants, v-neck tops and tees because they are more flattering on me than crew neck tops and no turtlenecks! I wear longer skirts, knee length and maxi dresses, but, no super short skirts/dresses now. Because I work out and have toned arms, I still wear sleeveless or short sleeved clothing. I often wear scarves as accessories because they tend to point up, up toward my eyes rather than focusing on my stomach. What about showing cleavage? A little is fine, but, it’s super aging to show too much as we age, and I moisturize my neck and cleavage just like I do my face. About footwear, I do not wear high heels. My feet are not happy to be crammed into closed-toed shoes with high heels anymore. Gone are the stilettos that made my legs look sexy. So, what do I wear now? Flip-flops, sandals, sneakers, dressy wedges and dressy strappy sandals, cushioned clogs, ankle boots with a very low stacked heel. You won’t see me, however, in ‘sensible old lady shoes.’
Don’t be surprised when wrinkles around your eyes, crows-feet, and mouth, marionette lines, start to show up and continue to deepen. And, especially smokers, people who drink from straws a lot, people who get too much unprotected sun exposure, people who drink a lot of alcohol and coffee, and people who make ‘pucker’ lips expressions will see lots of tiny lines around their mouth. This usually shows up around the time you turn 40. For many people, this is one of the first visible signs of aging and may send them to the dermatologist for injections. While I haven’t done any facial fillers or Botox, for example, I think if it makes you feel good and you can afford it, go for it. You may be like me in that you didn’t think about your skin’s health, elasticity, and care until you got older. When I was growing up, we would slather on baby oil and fry in the sun, burning, and aging our skin prematurely and putting us in jeopardy of skin cancers. I highly suggest, by age 60, you visit the dermatologist at least once a year to have your skin checked. When I was younger, I didn’t pay much attention to my skin and used harsh soaps and other questionable products on my skin. Now, I take very good care of my skin and still can do it inexpensively. Because I have sensitive skin and lots of contact allergies, I use either Clinique cleanser / exfoliating tonic / moisturizer or VaniCream cleanser / moisturizer. Embrace the wrinkles or use injectables from your dermatologist; either way, be sure to use quality products on your skin. And, wrinkles are all over my hands now and there is no hiding my age there. I simply accept what is.
As I age, I have had to change my makeup styles and products too. When I go to the make up counters in department stores or to MAC or Sephora or Ulta, I do not want 20- somethings showing me products because they likely are going to present trendy styles/colors /formulas that may not work on my older face. I know false eyelashes are all the rage and if you like wearing them, that’s great. I have squatty lashes, but, I find false eyelashes make my eyes look tired and droopy - not an effective look on a 67 year old face. My latest favorite brand of make up is called Fresh Beauty Studio by Nikol Johnson. She has a fabulous book about aging well and she publishes lots of helpful YouTube videos for make-up tutorials for older faces: https://www.freshbeautystudio.com/meet-nikol/. I order from her make up line and the customer service is excellent. Another brand that is specially formulated for older women is Look Fabulous Forever: https://www.lookfabulousforever.com. This is a UK company, so everything is ordered online. By the way, it’s incredibly aging to make up your face with a heavy hand; even though you may think it makes you look younger, it does the opposite. Thick eyeliner, bright eye shadows may look garish on an aging face. They certainly do on me. Now, I go lighter on the make up application and wear only colors that complement my aging skin tone, hair color, and personality, not to match my outfit. I usually wear a brighter lipstick to add a pop of color that doesn't pop all over my face.
In addition to wrinkles, our skin can also show more rolls of fat and skin ‘dimpling.’ Thanks, gravity. Not! Working out, watching what we eat, and stopping smoking can help. Loving yourself, your aging body is the best remedy. It’s not about our weight; it’s about our power and our strength and living on purpose.
Weight gain seems to be inevitable with aging. Alas. And, the bad news for women is that, “When it comes to aging, women’s levels of the estrogen hormone begin to decline much earlier and much more quickly than men’s levels of the testosterone hormone do. This quicker decline in hormone levels is the reason that men seem to age much more slowly than women do. Women’s estrogen levels begin to decline around age 40 or 50, whereas men’s testosterone levels do not begin to decline until around age 55 or 60. Men have the clear advantage when it comes to signs of aging [on some levels]” (https://brandonessentials.com/key-differences-in-how-women-men-age/). For more on this, see Part I of my blog series on aging: https://www.reimaginelifecoach.com/post/what-to-expect-while-aging-part-i I do not like or agree with the advice that one “should” weigh what he/she/they weighed in high school. That’s unrealistic! I didn’t break 100 lbs until I was in my late 30s. In December 2021, I weighed 180 lbs. at 5’5”. While I carried my weight well, I knew a lot of that weight was because I wasn’t taking very good care of myself because I was working in a profoundly stressful/toxic environment that encouraged my weight to stagnate. The moment I decided to leave that job, weight started to fall away. What they say about the cortisol hormone is true! My weight was directly related to that pernicious job! From January 2022 to June 2022, I lost 40 lbs. and didn’t do anything differently from before; the only difference is that I knew I wasn’t staying in that dreadful company any longer. That gave me the momentum to recover from years of working in that noxious work environment and to get strong. My muscle tone, eating habits, and happiness levels have improved. I gave up drinking coffee and alcoholic beverages, and I drink lots of water. My body feels strong; my mind feels sharp, my emotional self is balanced, and my spiritual life is rich.
Getting regular exercise is one of the best ways to strengthen my body, mind, emotional and spiritual well being. In my late 30s, I ‘took off’ from getting consistent exercise and I’m now paying for that error in judgement. Because we lose flexibility, muscle tone, bone solidity and density as we age, getting consistent exercise is crucial to our being able to stay strong as we age. Now, I work out 5-6 times a week lifting weights, doing yoga and pilates, doing balance exercises, and walking in nature or on the treadmill. When I go on vacation, I build in time to go to a gym or I plan a hike or I walk, walk, walk. My goal is to put in 11,000 steps a day. If you have limited mobility, work with a trainer and your physician to learn how to exercise in ways that work for you. Getting regular exercise, moving your body rather than sitting most of the time, will improve your mental acuity, your emotional resilience, and your spiritual joy in addition to pumping up your physical strength, endurance, and flexibility. When I go to the gym, I listen to an Audible book through my earphones as I walk on the treadmill; when I’m lifting weights, doing yoga or pilates, I listen to calming spa-type music by one of my favorite artists, Aeoliah. His music is etherial and slow so I don’t rush through my workouts and I shut out the loud noises and music usually playing in the gym. I’m in my own super calm, grounded world. I usually divide my workout with 30-45 minutes of cardio on the treadmill or walking outside, 15-25 minutes of yoga/pilates, and 40 minutes of weightlifting using barbells, dumbbells, and weight machines. If you haven’t worked out in a long time, I suggest you get a trainer to help you get started. Don’t like working out in the gym? How about swimming? What about joining a dance class? Anything to keep your body moving. Keep in mind “Newton's First Law of Motion [that] states…a body at rest will remain at rest unless an outside force acts on it, and a body in motion at a constant velocity will remain in motion in a straight line unless acted upon by an outside force” (https://www.grc.nasa.gov).
One of the greatest aspects of the aging process for me has been a significant shift in my attitudes and personality, in my core values and beliefs. It’s incredibly freeing not to deal with peer pressure and not to blindly follow indoctrinated beliefs from my family of origin / culture. Over the past 10 years, I have examined all of my previously held core values and beliefs. Many of them have changed dramatically and I feel I am a fully authentic person who leads my life with integrity. My personality, how has that changed? Many people have taken the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator which places people’s personality traits in an ‘introvert’ or ‘extravert’ category. While I am oversimplifying this, it is a popular tool. Still, I’m not a fan of the Myers-Briggs because it asserted that your personality is set and doesn’t change. I’m a living example that that isn’t true. I used to be an over-the-top ‘extravert’ as Myers-Briggs defines it, but, I’m not anymore. I’m closer to an introverted extravert because I am secure in my own company and I am drained of energy by being with large numbers of people. I recharge my energies by withdrawing from other people. I used to be a people-pleaser and I’m not anymore. I set and enforce clear boundaries. I no longer watch the news. I do not tolerate dogma, narrow-mindedness, discrimination of any kind, crazy ideologies, and zealots. My life is more peaceful without it.
The last aspect of the aging process I’m addressing in this message is about being a caregiver to my elderly parents while I, myself, am aging. This is not unusual to have this responsibility while we are aging. People may be living longer, but, they don't always have vitality /healthy lives. My parents, at 91 and 94, have significant mobility challenges, struggle with mental sharpness, and cannot live on their own without help. Neither of them thought they would decline as they have. See my Part II blog on aging for more on the expectations vs. reality of aging: https://www.reimaginelifecoach.com/post/what-to-expect-while-aging-part-ii I’m getting a first-hand look at how some people age. When we age, we are one fall away from a disaster. While we cannot stave off all effects of aging, we can keep as strong as possible if we are purposeful about it and if we are lucky enough not to experience ill health, accidents, other life-altering events.
I hope my sharing my aging journey with you is beneficial and not scary. “You can't stop the aging process, but you can make choices that improve your ability to maintain an active life, to do the things you enjoy, and to spend time with loved ones” (https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/healthy-aging/in-depth/aging/art-20046070).
Thank you for reading this blog essay; if you read this on social media, please type your comments below. Or, if you read this in your subscription, please share your thoughts in an email to me at reimaginelife22@gmail.com.
Next week’s blog essay continues with Part IV, more on my personal aging process.
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