Lao Tzu, the Chinese philosopher from around 500 B.C., wrote, “Care about what people think of you and you will always be their prisoner” (Tao Te Ching). In the earliest days of humans, we had to care what other thought of us for our survival. If we had be shunned from joining a group or tribe, we would not have a chance to sustain life. Even though we have evolved from the critical need to be accepted by others in order to survive, we are still social creatures who value other people’s opinions.
When is it appropriate to care what others think? Consider this situation. Assume you have planned a beach vacation over Christmas break. Usually, you go to your parents’ home for Christmas holiday, but, there was lots of tension last year and you want this holiday to be peaceful. Your mother bursts into tears when you let her know you will not be there for Christmas this year. Then, she tells you that your brothers and sisters also are not coming, no children and no grandchildren, that “No one wants to spend time with us.” She starts to cry again. You realize your decision to change your holiday plans has hurt your parents. While you are still going away rather than go to your parents’ house for Christmas, you care about your parents’ feelings and what they are thinking. And, you tell them you are coming for Thanksgiving this year. What you did was care what your mother was thinking (about you and the rest of the absent family). That is appropriate and kind; now, you can adjust your responses and actions to put right your mother’s perceived unfairness, her children’s other plans for the holiday. In this situation, it is healthy, normal, and attentive to care what others think and to respond suitably.
So, when is it right not to care what others think of us? Consider the situation described above. What if, after you tell your parents you aren’t coming to spend Christmas vacation with them, your mother tells you, “You and your siblings are ungrateful. Your father and I think this is the height of selfishness. If you don’t come for Christmas, don’t bother ever coming to see us again!” Hmmmm…that scenario is packed with emotional explosives! Your mother is attempting to manipulate you, to shame you, and to get you to change in response to her intense criticism. This is a situation that is clearly a time not to care what others think of you.
One article lists some “Signs that we care too much what others think.” Here are some indicators that the opinions of others might be harmful to you and your mental health:
* You change yourself in response to criticism, regardless of what it is and who it comes from.
* You let other people make decisions for you.
* You don’t set or maintain boundaries.
* You’re a perfectionist.
* You hold your tongue if your opinion differs from everyone else’s.
* Your peace of mind relies on approval from others.
* You’re constantly apologizing, even when you did nothing wrong.
* You rarely say ‘no’” (https://psychcentral.com/blog/mental-shifts-to-stop-caring-what-people-think-of-you#tips).
The article suggests there may be four more indicators you care too much what others think:
" * You regularly feel regret and resentment. You agree with what others have to say or give in to what they want. But you don’t feel good about it.
* You have a tough time making decisions. Or you defer to others. You say it’s because you don’t care or you’re just easygoing. But if this keeps happening, you might really be worried that others won’t agree with what you really want.
* You feel you need to make others happy—even if you’re left unhappy.
* You have many insecurities and speak to yourself negatively. You’re so focused on others that you haven’t taken the time to explore what you like, what you think, what you want, and who you actually are” (Thorn, https://psychcentral.com/blog/when-you-rely-too-much-on-what-others-think#1).
Did you recognize any of those indicators of caring too much what others think? In yourself? In others? Since we aren’t ancient cave-dwellers who depended on what others thought about us to survive, why do we care too much what others think? Psychologist, Dr. Kyler Shumway shares in his article, “Why Do I Care So Much About What Others Think?” (https://deepeddypsychotherapy.com/therapy-other-people/) the following wisdom:
“ Reason # 1: It’s in your genes. Humans are relationally oriented creatures, hardwired for connection.” As babies, we are totally dependent on parents or caregivers to feed, clean, change diapers, and snuggle us. We study human faces for clues to the fine nuances of emotional expression so that we learn to respond to others.
“ Reason # 2: We learn to care during childhood.
As we get older, we start to understand that there is more to the world than just me and mommy or daddy. Our connection expands from our parents to a wider tribe. There might be brother or sister, teachers and friends. And we discover that even though we’re no longer dependent on our tribe to care for our physical needs the way our parents did when we were babies, we’re still wired to need connection. We learn that it feels wonderful to be liked by others and invited to play. We learn that it really hurts when we’re rejected or excluded.
Painful social experiences in childhood and adolescence often teach us to worry about what others think:
* Bullying or mistreatment
* Drama / cliques / being left out
* Parental abuse and neglect
* Narcissistic parents or siblings
* Being judged or humiliated by others
* Other traumatic events
As a result of these experiences, our minds learn and develop strategies for keeping us safe in the future. For example, you might avoid spending time with other people because being social feels risky. You might spend your nights tossing and turning as you think back on all the embarrassing things you’ve done in the past. Or, you might constantly think about what others think about you in order to avoid future pain, mistreatment, and rejection.
Reason #3 – Caring About What Others Think is Adaptive. The mind does everything for a reason – including caring about what others think of you! In fact, it can be healthy to care about what others think. That is a normal human response. We want closeness with others and we care about them, so of course we care about what they think and we care about our relationship with them. We want to feel like we belong, even with total strangers.
What becomes hurtful is when we make changes to ourselves solely based on what we think others want. It’s sad if someone rejects that, but we can grieve and then we can go on.
There’s plenty of people who will love our real self and we can find them. It’s healthy to care, but not to change who we are based on that.”
Psychologist, Charlotte Howard, shares “…why it is healthy to care about what other people think, as long as we have a way to properly grieve any hurt feelings and do not change solely based on external opinions:
How Can I Care Less?
* Choose who to give the power to – do you want to empower those who judge you? Or do you want to empower yourself?
* Don’t let the social anxiety mammoth rule your life – Think about your life and the lives of others in the context of the universe.
* Work with an excellent therapist – therapists are experts at this kind of thing! [Keep in mind, a therapist’s opinion is only a second opinion; your opinion comes first.]” (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lhgx5ataRMY&t=8s)
Does this blog post essay resonate with you? How do you keep from ovecaring what others think? Is this an area of your life that you’d like to change? If so, please contact me, Missy Duncan, to consider working together to design the life you want or to make a change in how much weight you put on the opinions of others. reimaginelife22@gmail.com.
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