Recently on social media, I’ve seen a slew of young women behaving like ‘mean girls’ especially targeting Baby Boomers, Gen Xers, Millennials, black women, brown women, white women, lesbian/gay/queer women, and trans women. In other words, they were dissing just about every woman and group of women! And, we’ve all observed older women, too, misconducting themselves in a bullying manner toward other women. While this type of persecution and unkind verbal attacks is nothing new, once it hits social media, it amplifies the ugly mean-spiritedness. At a time when women are under attack from politicians and the culture, women not supporting other women is unconscionable. The last thing women need are women bullying other women.
I considered what I will do to support other women and was inspired by one of my favorite T-shirts; it sports this powerful phrase: “We rise by lifting each other” (Cirque du Soleil). What I will do is to highlight a few local women, sharing some of their story, inviting you to learn about what they offer, and supporting them in their passion. This week, Ellen Stetson is the star of this week’s blog essay. Ellen is a certified End-of-Life Doula.
While many people have heard of a birth doula, fewer people have encountered end-of-life doulas. What is a ‘doula’? The International Doula Institute defines ‘doula’ as, “…a professional support person trained in the needs of the family during pregnancy and childbirth. The doula offers non-judgmental support, guidance, evidence-based education and practical hands-on support during childbirth including comfort measures. Doula originates from the Greek word meaning woman servant. A birth doula recognizes the profound impact of childbirth on the mother. The birth doula does not provide medical care, clinical tasks such a cervical checks or fetal heart tones and does not speak on behalf of the client” (https://internationaldoulainstitute.com/what-is-a-doula/?). So, a birth doula is a start-of-life helper.
On the other hand, Ellen Stetson is a doula who specializes in being an end-of-life helper.
Me: You offer an unusual service. Please tell us about it. What is your passion, your purpose?
Ellen: Death doulas have their history in the ancient art of death sitting; end-of-life doulas, as we know them today, started in the UK and migrated to the USA; this trend is increasing. I had been a corporate trainer in communications and that comes in handy because much of my work is communicating with and educating others. Now, I’m living on purpose because purpose became my anchor in life. I believe a ‘calling’ finds us. My passion is holding a family and the patient in unconditional positive regard. And, I wish to remove the judgement of others.
Me: How did you discover your passion, your purpose?
Ellen: I discovered my passion and purpose unexpectedly: by observing others and their needs; this was between 2000-2015. A neighbor, with dementia, needed massage and foot care, so, I administered to her.
Me: How have you curated this passion, this purpose? Through experience & practice, through intuition, through certifications?
Ellen:
[Ellen Stetson, EOLD
Member, NEDA National End of Life Doula Alliance
National Association of Certified Death Midwives
Co-Facilitator, Death Cafe New Haven CT w/Nathalie Bonafe
Volunteer, LifePath Hospice Shreveport]
Between 2019-2022 I was on a preparations path to become an end-of-life doula. I joined other caregivers, nurses, hospice workers, grief counselors, pastors, other end-of-life doulas at the Death Cafe’, an Internet group out of New Haven, CT. [https://deathcafe.com/deathcafe/14807/]
I earned academic education on being a death doula from the Larner School of Medicine, University of Vermont. [https://learn.uvm.edu/program/end-of-life-doula-at-uvm/]
Me: What appeals to you, resonates with you about expressing your passion, your purpose?
Ellen: Since 2020, I volunteer with hospice. What keeps me going is assisting others in alleviating fear and replacing it with love and acceptance.
Me: If someone wants to learn more, how will you work with them?
Ellen: Many times, people don’t understand the difference between ‘palliative care,' hospice, and what death doula care. So, I often explain these differences to people. Usually, the process of my working with a patient and the family begins with a phone consultation or, if the persons are local, in person. I complete a thorough form with needs assessments. Often, people do not know what happens as they are in the stages of dying and are afraid to ask. Many times, I see myself as an educator. I hold energy for them, explain to them, comfort them, assure them, and untangle the process of dying for them. I focus on the power of peace, not of fear. I work with all briefs without judgement. And, I highlight staying in the moment.
That’s what I love about this work, and wish everyone knew about the stages of decline and death, and, about the kinds of care available..
Me: How can someone reach you?
They can reach me on Facebook and through email: ellenstetsoneold@gmail.com.
I support and celebrate Ellen Stetson as she lives her purpose. Even though few people look forward to transitioning from this life, eventually, it will happen. It is comforting to know caring end-of-life doulas, like Ellen, help ease the transition from this life.
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